forgiveness

Love keeps no record of wrong.

I've been challenged a lot in this lately because forgiving people is so hard to do. When someone wrongs me, even in the smallest of ways, I desire, so much, to inflict the same pain on them. I want to yell at them to clearly show how much they hurt me. I want them to feel what I feel because I think it will bring me some sort of satisfaction. Some sort of justice. For sure, I think telling someone off would def bring some pleasure.

But it's crazy because God commands us to forgive, forget, and move on. I remember thinking during the week about how I would be sacrificing the satisfaction of telling that person about the hurt they inflicted by forgetting about it and moving on. But then God owned me as He allowed me to realize that He is actually inviting me into the greater joy of getting to know Him more as I learn to forgive because through that I am given another opportunity to grow and understand more of the Gospel. I was reminded of the importance of forgiving in not only reconciling relationships, but also in allowing me to see another glimpse of God's unfailing love for me that chose to forever forgive me through the cross.

rest

Today I was complaining to my friend about how I only got 6 hours of sleep over the last two days and she told me to go to sleep. I told them "no way, I can handle this. no rest = ez pz." And then she shared the verse:

"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." - 1Corinth 6:19-20

Owned. As I thought about it, I was shocked at how sneaky pride is in getting into even the smallest aspects of my life because I realized that I stay up late and procrastinate on work because I think that I can finish it by my own strength (+ caffeine). Even in this small way, pride is so destructive because it causes me to neglect the temple that my body is and let it stumble just because I think I am able to withstand the night. Especially for someone like me who gets irritated easily and cranky and crazy when tired, though it is not wise to stay up, I choose to put myself in situations where I must stay up because pride makes me think I can.

I need to rest more in reverence of the Holy Spirit that God has gifted to dwell in me. What a horrible steward I am to Him, but in the end God somehow chooses to redeem.

Love always...

protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres.

I had an actual written entry but I thought this was enough:

For some reason my eyes almost sweat watching this.

But all sappiness aside, lately I've been taken on a crazy journey through various relationships in my life and through them all God has been constantly reminding me of what it means to have a heart that wants to fight for someone you love. So many times I want to just give up, be bitter, wallow in sadness and anger and let things fall apart, but I think it takes another Good Friday for me to remember that true love is sacrifice. When we deliberately choose to sin and run away from God every second of every day, never has he, nor will he, let us wander to our hearts' desire. Rather, our Father waits patiently for us and runs joyfully to us as he sees us returning to him from a distance. God didn't look at our broken relationship with him because of all our sin and decide to just give up, create new us's, and start over, instead he asked himself the question, "how can I fix this?" God committed to us through the covenant he made and he faithfully honors that promise even when the only option was for blood to be spilled upon our behalf. The need for a perfect, unblemished sacrifice that can atone for all of our sins. A bridge between our hearts and God's glory. The only answer was to sacrifice his son.

Throughout all these last couple weeks, I've complained to God saying that people hurt me too much and I just want to give up. He first rebukes me with love through his word and random book quotes such as, "as we begin to focus more on Christ, loving Him and others becomes more natural. As long as we are actively pursuing Him, we are satisfied in Him. It is when we stop actively loving Him that we find ourselves restless and gravitating toward other means of fulfillment" (crazy love). And he reminds me of marriage and questions how I am going to be able to honor that commitment/covenant and continue to love despite the hardships. Then he reminds me of how little I deserve to be pursued by him. I am humbled as I realize more of the magnitude of God's love and how unable I am at embodying even a little bit of it in my own relationships. I am sorry for that.

But somehow God redeems all.

Happy Easter! rejoice

BlackBerry Journey (9) // "ask me"

How are you?

I ask you this because I care about you deeply. I want to know how you are doing because I want to be part of what you're going through. I don't want you to have to go through it alone. I want to encourage you if I can. But most importantly, I want to direct you back towards God and His unfailing love for you. I want to suffer with you. I want to rejoice with you. I want to share the goodness of God with you.

But how little do we genuinely ask others this question? How often am I too caught up with the moments and daily battles of my own life to see the bigger picture that there are others around me going through hard times too? How often do we focus on our own hearts instead of having God's heart for all people? It's such simple question that can lead to the greatest testaments of God's grace and love but not enough people ask it and actually mean it. I am so slow to listen to others' problems and even slower to show any interest in them. Take time to ask this simple question and you can hear some honest answers. I bet there is someone with a heart that is waiting eagerly to hear this extension of God's personal and intimate love for them. They are waiting in anticipation to witness God's constant and intentional interest in exactly what they are feeling and going through.

Break my heart for what breaks yours. Let me think less about myself and more about you and the people you've placed around me.

BlackBerry Journey (8) // "Solitude"

Have you ever wondered why God made man and woman in series instead of concurrently? Our sovereign and all-knowing God must have known that "it is not good that man should be alone" because of his innate need for a "helper fit for him," but still God deliberately chooses to create Adam first then Eve. I'm reading a book called "Reaching Out" by Henri Nouwen and he talks about the importance of our solitary time with God our Father, where we can seek to converse with and listen to him while simply dwelling in his presence. Lately as I have been thinking about solitude, I have been learning more about how much God must love us to desire that alone time with us. Too often do I view my quiet times as a span of minutes where I can come to God for comfort and guidance for that specific allotted number of digits and then just check out the rest of the day, not fully grasping the magnitude of the desire that God has to spend time with me. I mean, He showed it clearly through the cross by reconciling me forever to him by freeing me from the bondage of sin, but it's crazy because this grace is evident every single day as he keeps reaching out to me even when I choose not to reach back.

We talked about in discipleship last week how God must have purposely chose to create a woman after creating man in order to have his own alone time with man first and foremost. God is so jealous for us and so desires to be loved back by his children that he would choose to delay man's natural tendency for a woman helper in order to initially establish that man's relationship with God, the creator and his father, as the most important thing. Within this I realized how quickly I turn to people for comfort because it is so much more tangible to find physical refuge in them, but as God shows clearly in genesis, he understands my innate desire for community (because just as He is in the trinity and we were made for community) and will indeed provide important people around me but wants to establish my own relationship with him first.

God your father loves you so much, spend time with him and seek to love him back!

BlackBerry Journey (7) // "Marketing"

was always something that interested me. It's cool to be able to present something in a way that is pleasing to people and convinces them to buy it or desire it in some way. As I was thinking about marketing, I began to wonder how I would market myself. Say I had to present myself to a company for endorsement, I tried to think of someway to spin what I have in a way that people would like me and I came up with....

nothing. I looked over my resume only to see how crappy its content is. I tried to think about all the things that would make me appealing in this world and I could only list things that didn't: I DON'T have a nice car, a high GPA or even a vision for what to do with my life, a steady job, a relationship, air jordans, a longboard, ray bans, height, eloquent speech, sports skills, etc. I really don't have anything. Not a lot of money or status. I'm sure I am pretty average to a lot of people.

But, as I was thinking about all that I don't have, I realized that the one thing I truly have is a fervent love for God my Father. I love Him. I think it took the last three years for me to be able to proclaim that genuinely because "love" is a very big word for me that I don't want to throw around when talking to anyone. I think it'll take a while before I can even say that to a girl I really care about. But God has somehow softened this hard heart of mine enough to love him and for that I am thankful. But more than me loving him, God loves me (so much more!) and that is enough. I have been learning what it means to truly say that God's love is sufficient for me as he slowly takes away all these things that I "love" to show me that He is the only one whom I should love and give my heart to despite what the world might say.

With all this said my biggest passion throughout life has always been to try to translate the love of God into a way the world understands. Hopefully God grants me the creativity and opportunity to do so.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." - Matthew 22:37

Running in Circles

I have been singing this song everyday for the past two weeks. I think it has been such an important reminder that even though pressure amounts from my parents or friends or teachers or random people about what I am doing with all my free time this quarter or what I am going to do with my life once I graduate with an English degree, I have a genuine and refined faith that God has big things planned and is revealing it according to His time, not mine. It's crazy how much God has been reminding me not to be worried or anxious lately but to just trust

God I trust that you are controlling everything. If I have learned anything from these past couple months it is that you love me enough to show me that you are the best thing for me and I thank you for that. Please guide me Father