Letting Go pt3: the culmination, Revelation 21

This has been most of my quiet times lately. I really hope it encourages you

"He who overcomes will inherit all of this. I know you are hurting right now as I reconstruct your life, but it is because I love you. I don't want you to be comfortable. I don't want you to be complacent. I want you to seek me with everything that you have because I know that I am the only one who can satisfy you. I want you to be desperate for me so that nothing can get in the way of the intimacy I want with you because you are my beloved son. I want to teach you, mold you, comfort you, love you, and save you from this dying world. Stop looking at the waves around you and look upward at me! Don't you see these scars on his hands and feet? Don't you see my arms open wide beckoning you to me for eternity? Come to me my son."

"I know all this, God, but I'm scared. I fear the uncertainty ahead. I am frustrated with how things are once again so unstable for me. My future is once again so dark and often times cant see anyone by my side. It bothers me that what I thought was right, was taken away. When things were becoming clearer and even progressing upward, you changed my direction. Lord, I am confused because things shifted so fast and I am slow to react. My innate desire is to seek comfort in people and post how I am doing all over my twitter, facebook, tumblr, aim status, everything just to feel loved and avoid loneliness. Father, I'm just so tired. How much I long to just hear you say to me, 'well done, good and faithful servant."

"Stop. Stay still. Turn to me. Look here at my son. I sacrificed him for you. I unleashed the fullest extent of my wrath for your sin on his innocent body. I turned away and left him alone in his greatest time of need just so you will never be alone. I am with you always. You are now clean. You are made new and given life. You are now my adopted son forever. I have already done everything for you. Let it go and trust in my goodness. I will not fail because I have already won! You are free from the clutches of death and the evil one and I want you to dwell in my victory. Remember, he who overcomes will inherit all this and because I want you here with me, I am going to build courage in you by making you trust in me. I am good and will protect you. Seek me wholeheartedly."

I want to know you

My prayer the last couple days. God please be all I want. I am sorry that I replace you so often. Thank you for forgiving me

Letting Go pt2: Tumbling Jericho

So often do I find myself praying to God for change. I am striving after Him and where I think He's guiding me, but become frustrated and impatient because in front of me lies this huge obstacle. It's like a wall that prevents me from progressing. I am reminded of Joshua 6 and its account of the Walls of Jericho. This imposing fortress is blocking me from my desired destination filled with my goals and my dreams. Whether it's waiting for career opportunities to blossom, or relationships to progress, or church ministries to bear fruit, I often feel a glimpse of day 4 or 5 of the 7 day march around the walls and the strenuous perseverance and faith necessary to keep following God's direct commands.

Then I get owned as God reminds me of His command that "The city and all that is in it are to be devoted to the Lord," - Joshua 6:17. My selfish and prideful ambition taints the gracious and assured promises of God. How often do I pray to God expressing desires for progress while my heart clearly wants it for my own gain? I want this job not to be a witness to my coworkers or make money to help people, but so that I can have a successful future and spending money for ray bans and guitar equipment. I want to get closer to this person not to direct them to Christ, but to show them more of myself feed my ego. I always want to speed things up and get to where I want and forget the graceful sovereignty of God that He is completely intentional with His timing and uses every day of marching me around what I view as an obstacle to purify my own desires and see to it that the desires of my heart and mind are in line with his own. I realize how important this 7 day march around the city is as God not only shows his faithfulness but also shows me enough grace to make sure that my heart is in the right place so that His glory would be rightfully proclaimed.

God reminds me that I need to check myself and make sure that my intention is to devote everything He provides back to Him before I seek for more.

"All a man's ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart." - Proverbs 21:2

"Failures"

Lately my days have been strenuous treks where I am super tired and feel like I am in a constant state of desperation for God and must cling unto him or drown. But within this tumultuous season, it's humbling to see more and more of the ever increasing extent of God's sufficiency and encouragement through it all. Yesterday I was reading old journal entries and God somehow used past-bryan to encourage present-bryan. It's crazy to see that even a year later, though my struggles are different, the conclusion always ends up the same.

2/15/2010
"As I filled out that PhySci grade sheet for my classes, I saw, clearly, the extent of my failures. The futility of my work. And to be honest it hurts me so much to see it and think that I am not good enough. I feel like that sheet almost reaffirms my lack of something: zeal, motivation, intelligence, luck. Something's absence that doesn't allow me to do well enough in the eyes of someone else out there. I don't even know who that person is that is judging me, maybe some med school admittance rep or maybe myself. But in reality, I feel like a failure.

But if this is the path I need to take for you to teach me and mold me and refine me into someone who exudes the qualities you identify with, then I accept it and I stand firm in it. You know I always pray that you may be glorified and I acknowledge that this is one chance, of many that will come in the future, by which I can do so and proclaim my faith in what is prepared for me and your constant goodness within these times when I feel the most burdened. If this brings you glory, then I am thankful for the opportunity.

Let the shadows of my days prove your constant sunshine throughout my life."