since not many ppl read this b/c of my tumblr

hahaha I feel like I have so much more freedom to write what is on my heart!

dang this morning prayer week was crazy. I have never been so desperate and grateful for the gospel at the same time. I was craving it so much because I really need some good news. Man, my heart is such a mess. It's so disfigured and mangled up into some crazy knot that I cant seem to massage out on my own. I keep trying. I use different techniques whether it is drowning myself in work (or facebook), spending time with people, or just trying to ignore it, the pain and discomfort still remain.

But the gospel is the perfect healing. Before every time our mission's team does something new, a skit or body worship or vbs decorations, we always circle up and our leader asks someone to share about how the gospel has been apparent in their lives. When we first started doing this, I really thought God designed this time specifically for me. Man, it's good to hear about God's faithfulness throughout the day. It's such a blessing to be reminded of Christ and his victory on the cross redeeming me forever into God's family. Because of his sacrifice I may now approach the Lord with full confidence and call him Father. My hope is in this. My trust is in this. I need this desperately.

I trust in your goodness and your ability to redeem my boyish ways. How much discipline I sacrificed for the sake of worldly idols instead of trusting in the goodness you provide. How deep is your love for me and in response, forever my heart will sing of how great you are.

desperation

this has been the reigning theme of my entire year. I realized how sometimes everything around me and within me needs to crumble for me to see how little I can depend on myself and the idols I set up. Finally I learn just how much I need You everyday. Whether I am in my room sitting in silence with my head buried in my hands or I am sitting on top of a tall building admiring the view and change of perspective, my emotions change, my settings change, my relationships change, but you remain the same. I am desperate for this stability in you, the peace that surpasses all knowledge. I came home today and all I could do was close my eyes and let out a huge sigh but one of those sighs where you end up smiling at the end and saying to yourself, "holy crap......that was hard....but it was still so good. so purposeful. so gracious." After it all, I can look back and see how God somehow covered all my failures and shortcomings with such kindness and grace.

So here's to these furrows on my brow and each hard-won victory, the friendships that forgave me for failing them because with welcoming arms they brought me in, my Father in heaven who brings me to true repentance through kindness and not wrath. And a toast to the lessons not yet learned and the trials that will teach them.

my prayer