Mark It Up/Free Fallin'

This is a journal entry I wrote today regarding Mark Study.

"I felt like this weekend was important, something I needed, something I wanted. I came into this study not knowing what to expect besides the various 'Omg, it's totally awesome''s that the older folks were telling me but still believed that God knew what I needed. I feel that God has been teaching me to trust him more and truly believe in his power. Before the study I was at a state of discontent with who I was and what I was showing to people; I was fake and scared to be vulnerable and God showed me that problem through my unfruitful relationships. I lacked faith. I didn't believe and trust that god would meet me there and provide for me when I let my guard down, became vulnerable, and acted real. I am reminded of the passage with the paralytic when Jesus showed his power to overcome all and proved to the doubtful scribes His divine authority. I feel like Jesus proved his power to me also by giving me and others the courage to share and be vulnerable and take that risk trusting that He would be there. Initially my fears of being vulnerable centered around the idea that people would see me differently and judge me. And this is scary because when you're vulnerable, you are displaying your true self and if people judged that it really hurts. But I was wrong, these fears were simply invalid. God showed me that being real doesn't bring harsh judgment but actually the opposite. The courage it takes to be real and vulnerable prompts respect and ultimately more love. I feel like this is a big practical application to my life. To have enough courage and faith to be real to those around me. No more simple, coined, and almost false answers of "I'm doing alright," but more of being honest not only regarding the trials and burdens I might go through, but also the blessings and joys. I feel like God has shown me a glimpse of his power and in doing so, reminded me to trust and truly believe that He is above all things and always provides."


I tried not to choose a cliche picture to display my point but I really liked this one.
Imagine being that guy getting ready to jump off that cliff. You are filled with fear, worry, stress, but still excitement and anticipation. I thought that was a good illustration of where my heart was when taking that first step and risking the image that I falsely believed to be so important.
But it must feel really good to hit that water after the fall.

The Fear

Every New Year's Eve I try to reflect back on the previous year and experience an array of emotions. I remember mostly the amazing times but still have to recognize those bad times. I laugh at the funny jokes and situations but remember those times I was distraught. I re-examine the fruitful relationships I've made and the one's I unfortunately lost. Throughout these re-experiences, although I feel different emotions for the various scenarios, one lingering feeling is Fear.

I think that NBA commercial with Kobe and Shaq's half faces explained Fear to me the best way possible. Simply put, especially regarding my last post, I'm scared for the future and what's coming up. I'm faced with a tough schedule with very little time to myself and various other obstacles and it's scary to think of these trials coming my way. It's scary to realize that it's inevitable; this time next week I am going to be overloaded with work. But I learned that with this Fear comes a sense of readiness. I think the fact that I am scared means that I realize the obstacles I must face and how much energy and will-power it's going to take to try and grasp my task at hand. I understand the hard work I must do and am thus ready to go at it and give it my all and achieve.

The first song I listened to in 2009 was "Dont Stop Believing" by Journey and I thought it was a good transition between 2008 and 2009. In 2008 this song was one of the biggest lessons I've learned about life and the need to believe in yourself and what you're doing. And now that it's 2009, it's time to continue believing and, simply, own it up.


It's the Tree of Life