This week was ridiculous for me in every way. I feel like God stretched me in so many different directions; He took me out of my comfort zone, He expanded my vision of what He envisions, He reminded me of my purpose.
I was reminded of how I really care about people. I know I am horrible at showing it sometimes (most times) but I really am growing in it and it's progress for sure. This week was all about people for me; So many new relationships, so many "next steps" within a relationship, even more fostering of old relationships. To be honest I am pretty burnt out. I need to recharge and spend time with God and be comforted by him. But I am utterly thankful that I am constantly seeking and God is showing up. That's grace. The biggest thing I've been realizing about relationships with people is that God can take better care of people than I can. I am a control freak and that translates over into my relationships with people in which I feel like I need to be there for them and encourage them and love them all the time when in reality all that I can give is emptiness in comparison to what God can. I am learning to have more peace with letting people go and understanding that while I might not be there in person for someone, God is always there and he is perfect.
If God wants me to become a doctor, I know that these lessons will be vital in establishing my foundation as desiring to care for people, not simply patients, as my number one priority. But then again, I will have to see what happens regarding med school...
A part of me wishes I could write how I feel but usually I just don't have the words to but I really believe that God uses music to give me a voice
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express" -Romans 8:26
I've been listening to a lot of music lately I really like the message of this song. O happiness! there is grace enough for us and the whole human race
I've also been growing a lot. Dang praise God. It's been far from easy or fun or enjoyable, but it's been good and there isn't much more I can ask for. We are loved
I have decided to publish some of the stuff I have finished or haven't finished writing that is sitting in my computer. I wanted to give the stories some life and get some feedback on them because they mean nothing if they are simply stored in digital memory.
Here is a story I ended up turning in for my short story final last year in my creative writing class. It's funny because the story's first 2 drafts were comedies and it ended up being the one you are about to read. Disclaimer: it's pretty sad but it's a piece of writing I am proud of
Surround Sound
In contrast to the living room wall decorated with chipping paint and faded posters of sports athletes and swimsuit models, Jeff's fifty-two inch Panasonic High Definition TV sat on a stand demanding the attention of the entire apartment. Connected to the TV was a web of wires linking it to the total of six speakers and one subwoofer making up the apartment's surround sound system that was able to make any action displayed on the TV sound like reality. The subwoofer sat to the left of the TV like a knight kneeling in front of a king. The speakers were set up strategically around the messy living room on stands like watchtowers surveying the kingdom with the wires acting as messengers tracing back signals to the most prominent appliance. The apartment floor was studded with piles of crumpled up articles of clothing that looked as if they had not been touched for weeks. The lights were dim and the curtains were closed tightly in an attempt to provide the best lighting possible for the majestic TV.
Jeff and Charlie Sat on a worn down two-seater sofa watching Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire on widescreen DVD. While Charlie was sitting upright dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, Jeff slouched lazily sporting mid-thigh running shorts and his faded Snakes on a Plane t-shirt picturing Samuel L. Jackson clenching a snake by its supposed neck in one hand and holding a pump shotgun in the other. The tagline under the picture read, 'Airline food ain't what you gotta worry about on this flight.' A thick layer of grimy facial hair occupied Jeff's face leading up to his oily hairdo with flakes of white sprinkled throughout.
Jeff turned to Charlie and impressively recited Dumbledore's entire speech about the TriWizard Tournament while still chewing on his third Twinkie. "I have a couple of words for you, 'eternal glory,'' Jeff said to Charlie in sync with Dumbledore. "Man, Dumbledore is the most badass wizard of all time. I wish I could embody everything he stands for."
"Dude, Dumbledore is gay," Charlie responded not meeting Jeff's gaze and instead looking around the apartment, "This place is a mess. When was the last time you shaved or showered?" Charlie questioned, with his arms crossed and his butt getting numb from being immobile for so long.
"He's the best wizard in Hogwarts' history," Jeff said ignoring the latter two questions. "Well, he dies at the end so lets stop watching and seriously clean this mess up."
"What a predictable ending. That just proves how all the characters besides Dumbledore are underdeveloped, the filming is terrible, and the story is completely confusing. Like why the hell does that kid with the glasses always complain about having that scar?" Jeff asked having not read the books or watched the previous three movies. "I'll do much better than this when I move out to Hollywood and make it in the big time." Charlie looked at Jeff puzzled by his statement. "Oh, that's why I asked you to come over today, I've decided to follow the white rabbit into the depths of his rabbit hole and eat the red pill at the end of it." Jeff revealed this crucial decision to Charlie without removing his eyes from the action of Harry fighting the Hungarian Horntail dragon. Charlie turned his head and watched his best friend lost in the fantasy movie as the news of his plan to depart slowly set in. "What? Surely you cannot be serious about just packing up and leaving. How are you even going to get out there? All you've done for the last four months is sit at home and watch movies in the dark. You have no cash left in your savings and you quit your job right after the acci-" "First off, don't call me Shirley," Jeff interrupted. "Secondly, don't worry about money, I'll make due. I'll just sell my O-negative blood. I saw an add for it on Craig's List the other day. Two hundred dollars a pint, that's some legit magic."
"I don't understand why you would want to leave. You were never even interested in filming or acting or Hollywood before and now you have this sudden random interest for it and you're willing to give up everything you've already established at home to go chase a rabbit that you probably won't catch."
Jeff shrugged as Hermione yelled "Stupefy!" in the background. "I guess it's just time for me to leave. I'm sick of this small town and all the same people. I need out. I'm in the process of upgrading the DeLorean in the garage for the drive to my final frontier."
"Your Vespa cannot take you cross country. Come on man, you can't just leave town on a whim."
Jeff responded with a loud burp and lifted his feet resting them on the small beat up coffee table in front of the couch. Scattered around the table were clutters of Twinkie wrappers all orbiting an empty Hostess Twinkie box occupying the middle of the tabletop. Complementing the unhealthiness of the snacks was can after can of Monster Energy Drink congregating in the far right corner of the table. Buried amongst the debris of snack foods sat a seemingly misplaced, pleasant four-inch metal picture frame with a photo of Jeff and his fiance Casey posing next to a scenic pasture. Jeff and Casey were standing arm in arm both wearing bright smiles on their faces. Charlie leaned over, picked up the picture frame and handled it gently in his hands as he noticed the physical and emotional contrast between his smiling best friend, Jeff, in the picture and the stoic stranger sitting next to him on the couch. Jeff's eyes glanced at Charlie's examination of the photo as he pointed the remote to the TV and raised the volume. The all too real sounds of wizards fighting and casting spells filled the room. "You know, moving across the country can't change what happened," Charlie said softly still looking down at the picture.
Jeff took another bite out of his Twinkie and chewed in silence. "Avada Kedavra" echoed loudly from Lord Voldemort followed by the sound of screeching muggles. "It's not your fault Jeff," Charlie said facing him. "You can't blame yourself for things you can't control and let it eat away at you." Jeff chose not to return Charlie's gaze. "I was driving therefore I was in control."
"He crashed into you and he was drunk, it was completely his fault and you shouldn't blam-" "Then why the hell was I the one who lost everything?" Jeff questioned as his eyes glazed themselves with water. "Why do I have to be the one who suffers from that jackass' stupidity? Why did I have to be the sole survivor?" The barrier of water in Jeff's eyes finally crumbled as he blinked causing wet streaks of surrender to trickle down his cheeks. He looked down at the picture resting peacefully in Charlie's hands as the streaks began falling faster. "I just need to get out of here Charlie. I can't take it anymore. Everything I see or smell or touch reminds me of her. I need to stop this pain." "A change of scenery wont change that..."
Hearing this, Jeff let his head fall into his hands and unleashed the emotion that had been cooped up within him for so long. He wondered why reality could not be more parallel to the movies he watched on his elaborate TV. He wondered why happy endings were not common outside of the fifty-two inch box in front of him. He wondered why his life would end up being a tragedy.
Charlie got up from the couch, placed the picture frame back where he found it on the coffee table, and walked over to turn the TV off manually. No longer was Charlie going to let Jeff be controlled by the autocracy of the fanciful world of imagination. Charlie began picking up the Twinkie wrappers and empty cans off the coffee table. For the first time in a long time, there were no sounds of wizards fighting or spell casting or dragons flying, only Jeff's weeping that did not need to be hooked up to an elaborate speaker system to seem real.
I remember my creative writing teacher last year told me very precisely that my writing is at its best when I write about something I really understand (which is probably why my stories had strong reoccurring themes of Harry Potter allusions and nerds trying to be cool to impress girls). I feel like writing is a special art form to me because when I write something down on paper, it allows me to grasp a specific concept and examine the feelings I have in regards to it. Because of this particular role of writing in my life, I feel like I cant write about anything unless I have a really firm command of the subject matter because I simply cannot find the right words to describe it. I spend a good amount of time on thesaurus.com trying to find the word with the perfect connotation but I just cant because I don't know which connotation best fits what I am feeling.
This impediment has blossomed into its fullest potential these last couple months because I, in utmost frustration, do not understand anything that's going on and thus cant seem to write about anything clearly. Multiple times I have opened up my journal or a new blog post and produced nothing more than another blank sheet. Right now I feel like I don't know where I am going, I don't know what I am doing, I don't know where my community is, I don't know which classes I'm supposed to take, I don't know what I am passionate about. I thought I had everything figured out but God decided to jumble things around and refocus me on something different. But I hate being in this state of confusion.
I am reminded of organic chemistry because in chemical reactions there is always a reactant that is bombarded with a significant amount of activation energy (in the form of heat, stirring, or other crazy shizzle) in order to be transformed into a specific product. Within the course of a chemical reaction, however, there is a specific time at which the reactant is in its most unstable state and that state is called the Transition State. This phase is basically chaos because the reactant is being reconfigured, refurbished, rewired, and revamped into something completely different from what it was before. In this transition state, bonds are being made and broken, electron clouds are shifting in space, the entire geometry and shape of the molecule is changing, and other molecules or atoms are colliding into the reactant causing crazy entropy. After two quarter of organic chemistry I think I can finally use the metaphor that: I feel like I am in a particular transition state in my life. I use the word "particular" to describe my current state because I think that life would probably be a reaction with hundreds of steps and therefore hundreds of transition states that ultimately, and surely, mold us to become more and more like Christ. And right now, I am at one of those intermediates where God is giving and taking away in order to keep shaping me into an image of His son.
To be honest, I am pretty frustrated and have been these last couple months because I hate not knowing where I am going but I was really thankful this Easter Sunday because I was reminded of what truly matters which is God's ultimate glory manifested in His love for us. I might not know where I am heading, but I know that I am called to live a life worthy of the good news and I really pray that I can seek to do that everyday regardless of what might be changing within me or around me.
Happy Easter everyone.
aside: Andrew Bogut - the best bigman in the NBA. sad elbow injury
