"Failures"

Lately my days have been strenuous treks where I am super tired and feel like I am in a constant state of desperation for God and must cling unto him or drown. But within this tumultuous season, it's humbling to see more and more of the ever increasing extent of God's sufficiency and encouragement through it all. Yesterday I was reading old journal entries and God somehow used past-bryan to encourage present-bryan. It's crazy to see that even a year later, though my struggles are different, the conclusion always ends up the same.

2/15/2010
"As I filled out that PhySci grade sheet for my classes, I saw, clearly, the extent of my failures. The futility of my work. And to be honest it hurts me so much to see it and think that I am not good enough. I feel like that sheet almost reaffirms my lack of something: zeal, motivation, intelligence, luck. Something's absence that doesn't allow me to do well enough in the eyes of someone else out there. I don't even know who that person is that is judging me, maybe some med school admittance rep or maybe myself. But in reality, I feel like a failure.

But if this is the path I need to take for you to teach me and mold me and refine me into someone who exudes the qualities you identify with, then I accept it and I stand firm in it. You know I always pray that you may be glorified and I acknowledge that this is one chance, of many that will come in the future, by which I can do so and proclaim my faith in what is prepared for me and your constant goodness within these times when I feel the most burdened. If this brings you glory, then I am thankful for the opportunity.

Let the shadows of my days prove your constant sunshine throughout my life."