Writer's Block. / Transition State.

I remember my creative writing teacher last year told me very precisely that my writing is at its best when I write about something I really understand (which is probably why my stories had strong reoccurring themes of Harry Potter allusions and nerds trying to be cool to impress girls). I feel like writing is a special art form to me because when I write something down on paper, it allows me to grasp a specific concept and examine the feelings I have in regards to it. Because of this particular role of writing in my life, I feel like I cant write about anything unless I have a really firm command of the subject matter because I simply cannot find the right words to describe it. I spend a good amount of time on thesaurus.com trying to find the word with the perfect connotation but I just cant because I don't know which connotation best fits what I am feeling.

This impediment has blossomed into its fullest potential these last couple months because I, in utmost frustration, do not understand anything that's going on and thus cant seem to write about anything clearly. Multiple times I have opened up my journal or a new blog post and produced nothing more than another blank sheet. Right now I feel like I don't know where I am going, I don't know what I am doing, I don't know where my community is, I don't know which classes I'm supposed to take, I don't know what I am passionate about. I thought I had everything figured out but God decided to jumble things around and refocus me on something different. But I hate being in this state of confusion.

I am reminded of organic chemistry because in chemical reactions there is always a reactant that is bombarded with a significant amount of activation energy (in the form of heat, stirring, or other crazy shizzle) in order to be transformed into a specific product. Within the course of a chemical reaction, however, there is a specific time at which the reactant is in its most unstable state and that state is called the Transition State. This phase is basically chaos because the reactant is being reconfigured, refurbished, rewired, and revamped into something completely different from what it was before. In this transition state, bonds are being made and broken, electron clouds are shifting in space, the entire geometry and shape of the molecule is changing, and other molecules or atoms are colliding into the reactant causing crazy entropy. After two quarter of organic chemistry I think I can finally use the metaphor that: I feel like I am in a particular transition state in my life. I use the word "particular" to describe my current state because I think that life would probably be a reaction with hundreds of steps and therefore hundreds of transition states that ultimately, and surely, mold us to become more and more like Christ. And right now, I am at one of those intermediates where God is giving and taking away in order to keep shaping me into an image of His son.

To be honest, I am pretty frustrated and have been these last couple months because I hate not knowing where I am going but I was really thankful this Easter Sunday because I was reminded of what truly matters which is God's ultimate glory manifested in His love for us. I might not know where I am heading, but I know that I am called to live a life worthy of the good news and I really pray that I can seek to do that everyday regardless of what might be changing within me or around me.

Happy Easter everyone.


aside:
Andrew Bogut - the best bigman in the NBA. sad elbow injury