Patience

aside: I usually don't post this often but I felt like this journal entry was an important expression of what I've been feeling and thinking about. It also had a very poetic essence to me when I re-read it today.

10/06/09:
"I realized that I hate that word [patience]. It's just so hard to remain patient in times of good or bad. It's hard to let things keep rolling instead of me taking control. It's hard for me to trust that things will work out when I'm not driving the car. I'm like a backseat driver for my life. It's hard for me to wait on you for relationships. It's hard for me to trust that something is coming when I'm ready. Only when I'm ready. I'm scared of being alone because I am so sick of it already. I hate feeling like I have to face things as a lone ranger. I have to get through life with trial and error. I've trusted myself for so long, how can I let it go now? But in the end, you want to heal me and you want to be everything for me and I want you to be everything for me too. I want you to be my everything but I just keep slipping back into sin and my own selfish desire.

I thank you for fighting for me everyday. I thank you for running after me when I deliberately choose to walk away. When will it be time? When will this road in front of me clear up? In the end, I just want to know and share your love even more so I pray that you keep molding my heart and allow me to find refuge in you alone. Thank you so much for the strength to get through school and keep doing work. Thank you for Your love and grace that you shower upon me everyday even when I don't deserve it. May You be more than enough."

Brooke Fraser - hymn