A Dose of Dopeness

John 15:9

2012-02-11T18:39:00.001-08:00

Maybe love is that tension between the two sides of your heart: one that says to keep pursuing and fighting and sacrificing, the second telling you to just give up and stay hurt.
Or maybe love is the victory when the first side overcame the second.

a moment from the past

2012-02-08T20:22:00.000-08:00

He let his head fall into his hands. His body began shaking as he forced the pain from his body through tears from his eyes. How often he had to feel this same heartbreak, the wound reopened by countless, small, quick slices to the same spot under construction. The paper cuts all combined to eventually tear through any of the repairs that had taken place. No one paid attention to his sign that he was "In Repair" and took their jabs where they saw fit. He couldn't blame them though, he should have made the sign more visible to them. Maybe next time he will use neon paint. Maybe next time he'll scream out when the stab takes place instead of using all his strength to clench it deep within him. Maybe next time-

"For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal" - 2Corinth 4:17-18.

the whispers

2012-02-02T01:16:00.000-08:00

sometimes I think, "Maybe, I'm the common denominator...I must be the one messing up. Something must be wrong with me."

and then I hear, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold the new has come."

but sometimes my mind is too loud to silence.

sufficiency

2012-01-17T01:30:00.000-08:00

Christ died for me, what more could I want?

With this heart, so much more.

can you hear me?

2011-12-29T20:23:00.000-08:00

He asked, "Father, where am I going?"

Silence.

He asked again, "Father, where am I going? Spirit, why did you guide me into this wilderness?"

Silence.

He looked at the trees lining the darkness around him. He was engulfed in what seemed like a sheet of black. The conglomeration of branches hanging overhead sliced through the ray of light that the moon tried to provide. He couldn't see anything. But he slowly tread through the thick carpet of leaves under his feet, each step echoing a loud crunch.

He asked, "Father, can you hear me?"

Silence.

Frustration amounted. "Why would you lead me out here and abandon me?" He yelled into the black. Only his echo responded. "Can't you see that I don't know where I am going? I don't know where you're leading me." He closed his eyes and let out heavy sighs as the Tempter crept out from behind the trees and began whispering lies into the boy's ears.

"You're alone," the Tempter said.

"My Father is here guiding me," the boy responded.

"Where is he? Can you hear him?"

Silence from the boy.

"That sounds familiar, doesn't it?" The Tempter moved from one ear to the other. "You have to suffer alone, just like how it's always been. Aren't you used to it by now? You can handle the pain on your own, isn't that what your Father said? He wont give anything to you that you are not ready for. You were meant to go through this alone." The Tempter laughed knowing he had found his way into the deepest crevasses of the boy's heart once again. He watched as the lies started to form the boy's reality. "You are strong enough to handle this on your own. You don't need anyone else."

"I'm not strong, I'm weak," the boy said, exposing his tears.

The Tempter did not expect the boy to admit this but gladly followed a potential new way to break him down. "You are weak indeed. So weak. A little boy. Alone. Scared. Weak little boy. What kind of man are you?" The Tempter giggled in delight as he circled around the boy with a little hop to his step.

"When I am weak, He is strong," the boy said slowly between heavy breaths.

The Tempter stopped and tilted his head. "Who's 'He'? Your Father? Where is He now?? You're alone!" He let out a hideous laugh that quickly turned into rage. The Tempter began shouting. "Look around you! There is no one!"

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

"Lies!" Screamed the Tempter.

The boy kept going, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of-"

"Don't say His name!" The Tempter covered his ears and scurried to a nearby rock. "You're alone! You're meant to suffer alone!" He shouted in desperation. The Tempter knew the power in His name.

"-so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." The boy let out a breath as the Tempter let out a shriek that cleaved through the entire wilderness. It sounded as if he had been stabbed by a sharp sword. The tempter fell on all fours, panting heavily. He tilted his head upward to see the boy still with his fists clenched and his eyes closed. His face was lined with wet streaks but not the same ones from before. These were different. The Tempter knew he had no foothold for his lies and fled quickly into the wilderness.

The boy slowly opened his eyes and recited the verse again but this time as a prayer. "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

He listened to the stillness around him.

"Father, why do I need to go through this? It's so painful and so lonely sometimes."

A gust of wind penetrated the black and rushed towards the boy bringing with it a whisper that said, "Because Christ did, and you are being made to be more like him."

hallelujah forever

2011-12-25T18:22:00.000-08:00

Though I really want to write how I feel, sometimes songs say it much better than I ever can.

emerging from the little while

2011-12-06T18:43:00.000-08:00

What is true liberation without the stripping of everything that is holding you back? The freedom experienced only when the shiny, seductive, and stunning are revealed to be fleeting and temporary. The cry of your heart as the tools are inserted to remove the idols so deeply rooted. For a little while all you feel is the torture and the tearing of the flesh in search for the enemy decaying everything within. You must hold on for there is hope waiting for you in the end. Patching the bare flesh is the seal of our most high God. Some call it a scar, but with how much love is it truly made? We think it defiles our complexion but isn't it a process to make us into something even more beautiful? A new creation. Christ too had scars, and because of his ours can heal. And in this journey we find the redemption that is provided always, but only, by our God.

a sing-a-long song

2011-11-16T20:00:00.000-08:00

The beauty of empathy is that it takes two broken hearts and times them to the same beat. And even for a little bit, you both are able to make sense of the irregularity of your heart's music as you realize that the song you are singing is not as rare as you thought it was. Quiet cries become passionate prayers and passionate prayers become enduring anthems and those enduring anthems are sung aloud from hearts believing that pain is the first step to joy.

joy and pain / certainly synonymous

2011-11-12T12:17:00.000-08:00

"I reckon that the endurance of every imaginable suffering and trial would be a small price to pay for a settled assurance, which would for ever prevent the possibility of doubt. Never mind the waves if they wash you upon this rock. Therefore, when you are tempted, 'Count it all joy' that you are tried, because you will thus receive a proof of your love, a proof of your faith, a proof of your being the true-born children of God. Trials are like a fire; they burn up nothing in us but the dross, and they make the gold all the purer. Put down the testing process as a clear gain, and, instead of being sorry about it, count it all joy when you fall into many trials, for this gives you a proof of your faith."
- charles spurgeon

Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths.

the consistent metaphor

2011-11-08T10:32:00.000-08:00

The darkness blanketed the ground immediately in front of him shading the small greens sprouting from the cracks. It imprisoned the patch of land within it from the sunlight illuminating the surroundings and only enlarged to capture more territory as time went on.

The boy watched his shifting shadow move while he remained still. It was like he had no control over the pervading gloom and instead was restricted as a spectator of its movements. The dark kept crawling across the cement sidewalk, slowly consuming the various cracks and chips as well as the plant life and its critters. Nothing could outrun it.

Suddenly the boy's gaze shifted as he felt the warmth of the sun on his back. Despite the cold weather with its sting of wind, the sun's rays were enough to sustain the boy's core body temperature. The heat radiated throughout his body, calming and comforting him.

I really love the illustration of a shadow because as dark and dynamic as it might be and despite the lack of input I have in its course, there is peace knowing that it is always the sun that is controlling its path.

cheers to the passing of our youth

2011-10-28T15:58:00.000-07:00

a toast to the lessons not yet learned and to the trials that will teach them

viewing dusk

2011-10-20T13:34:00.000-07:00

The blue sky began retreating into the horizon running from the black night close in pursuit. The sky bled orange and purple as the night pierced it with sharp but shiny pricks of light in an attempt to finally cease the ageless chase. How could the day keep enduring the seemingly cyclical pain and keep running forward? He could not see an end and kept having to look behind to make sure he was still ahead of his pursuer. Every stab of evening light the day took seemed to slice into the weakest points of his sky often leaving him stumbling, trying to catch his breath and footing, but having no time to rest. Things were moving too fast and the day had to keep up. His breathing was heavy and his pace was slowing going into the season of winter. He must find rest.

***

The boy sat on the top floor balcony of the tallest building on campus watching the miniature versions of his peers dotting the bricked pathway below him. The change of perspective gave him a refreshing detachment of the microcosm he ascended from and yet a focus on the overall picture he was seeing. He needed the time to step out of the turbulence of scheduling and instead fly above it. He fixed his eyes upward to see the sunset he was soaring into. The scene never seemed to change, day after day. Despite the successes or the failures he had to go through, the finale was always the same and will continue to be. Somehow the sun never set without leaving behind a final medley of warmth that was always enough to sustain the earth through the night.

confidence

2011-10-15T00:07:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I am doing at all.
What the heck do I say next?
When is the right timing for that?
What if?

It's a hard thing for a man to accept that we don't have complete control over a situation. The pride creeps up and we want to say firmly, especially to someone we dearly care about, that we have it all planned out and securely settled. If God has been showing me anything lately, it is that I can't. It's really hard for me to say "I don't know" to ministries I serve/lead in, specific people, and my future, but that's the truth most of the time.

I'm a noob in so many ways.

But for some reason there is so much confidence in that confession. I might not know what's going on or how to fix things or the next best step to take, but my God does. He knows what's best. What a great reminder to boast not in myself or my own ability, but in the fact that God loves me enough to always be leading the way.

grace

2011-09-24T01:04:00.001-07:00

I think I am still learning to show it to myself. As I strive for holiness and discipline, I have to be ok with not being perfect.

Goodbye 2

2011-09-05T00:49:00.000-07:00

I learned a lot about saying "goodbye" in Nicaragua. It was really hard to go to all these different churches and bond with the kids during vbs. We made crafts together, played games with one another and even worshiped our God with one voice. When we had to leave every church I always reflected on how much the people served me. They didn't have much to give, but gave everything they could to make my stay as comfortable as possible knowing the uncomfortable conditions. It was hardest to say goodbye to my brother Cristobal who quietly served me in every way from helping me set up my cot daily to literally washing my feet at one of the churches. It's difficult because I will probably never see him or any of the kids or church members I met for the rest of my life. But at the same time I found myself rejoicing in the fact that when I do see them it will be in heaven when we can all worship our Father together. I cant wait for the day to see all my Nicaraguan brothers and sisters singing the same songs in adoration of Christ, (re)united as His body.

With this rejoicing also came a desperation for the proclaiming of the gospel in every opportunity I had. Knowing that this was the last time I'd ever see these people, kids especially, again in my time on earth, the urgency of desiring to see them in heaven and the need for them to hear the good news of salvation through Christ became my greatest priority. I learned what it means to have hope in the gospel. I know I won't be able to be with the people of Nicaragua in person, but I know, because of the promises of Christ and the salvation he has granted, that we will soon be reunited with all our other brothers and sisters in heaven. What great hope is this to believe in an eternal homecoming awaiting us all? This brings me joy

when we arrive at eternity's shore, where death is just a memory and tears are no more
we'll enter in as the wedding bells ring, your bride will come together and we'll sing
you're beautiful

update

2011-08-27T23:42:00.000-07:00

right now I am in a dilemma where my heart wants to get things rolling, find internships, film projects, write music, play guitar for people's projects, take pictures, design cool things, get into marketing, find a career

vs.

investing into people. My apartmentmates and kcm people and church and all these people that God gave me a chance to love and be loved by.

I am realizing that sometimes I gotta put even my future on hold for the sake of proclaiming the gospel and loving people because in the end that is more important than my career.

keep me in prayer

since not many ppl read this b/c of my tumblr

2011-06-24T23:07:00.000-07:00

hahaha I feel like I have so much more freedom to write what is on my heart!

dang this morning prayer week was crazy. I have never been so desperate and grateful for the gospel at the same time. I was craving it so much because I really need some good news. Man, my heart is such a mess. It's so disfigured and mangled up into some crazy knot that I cant seem to massage out on my own. I keep trying. I use different techniques whether it is drowning myself in work (or facebook), spending time with people, or just trying to ignore it, the pain and discomfort still remain.

But the gospel is the perfect healing. Before every time our mission's team does something new, a skit or body worship or vbs decorations, we always circle up and our leader asks someone to share about how the gospel has been apparent in their lives. When we first started doing this, I really thought God designed this time specifically for me. Man, it's good to hear about God's faithfulness throughout the day. It's such a blessing to be reminded of Christ and his victory on the cross redeeming me forever into God's family. Because of his sacrifice I may now approach the Lord with full confidence and call him Father. My hope is in this. My trust is in this. I need this desperately.

I trust in your goodness and your ability to redeem my boyish ways. How much discipline I sacrificed for the sake of worldly idols instead of trusting in the goodness you provide. How deep is your love for me and in response, forever my heart will sing of how great you are.

desperation

2011-06-10T04:33:00.000-07:00

this has been the reigning theme of my entire year. I realized how sometimes everything around me and within me needs to crumble for me to see how little I can depend on myself and the idols I set up. Finally I learn just how much I need You everyday. Whether I am in my room sitting in silence with my head buried in my hands or I am sitting on top of a tall building admiring the view and change of perspective, my emotions change, my settings change, my relationships change, but you remain the same. I am desperate for this stability in you, the peace that surpasses all knowledge. I came home today and all I could do was close my eyes and let out a huge sigh but one of those sighs where you end up smiling at the end and saying to yourself, "holy crap......that was hard....but it was still so good. so purposeful. so gracious." After it all, I can look back and see how God somehow covered all my failures and shortcomings with such kindness and grace.

So here's to these furrows on my brow and each hard-won victory, the friendships that forgave me for failing them because with welcoming arms they brought me in, my Father in heaven who brings me to true repentance through kindness and not wrath. And a toast to the lessons not yet learned and the trials that will teach them.

my prayer

sinuses

2011-05-02T23:15:00.000-07:00

All I can seem to focus on is my sinus infection. It's soooo frustrating. There is a grip of pressure in my eyes, nose, and cheekbone area. It feels like there are air bubbles in my cheekbones pushing against the wall of my skull and trying to break through from the inside out. They want to explode, but they cant because of the bones. My nose is super dry. My entire row of upper teeth are numb (such a strange feeling). I also feel like I have to sneeze 24/7 but it wont come out.

But while I was thinking about how frail my body is and complaining about these physical ailments, I was reminded of how insignificant these problems really are. Though they do inhibit my ability to focus on anything (I'm so surprised I can write this....I loveee medicine zomgosh) in the end, if the biggest thing that bothers me throughout the day is some physical discomfort, then what do I really have to complain about? I've been getting rebuked constantly about how I need to be more thankful. I feel like I always want more (yes, ocs.), thinking I am entitled to it but in reality I am blessed with much more than I ever deserve. This happens so often in my relationships with people where I think I constantly pour out everything on them with the (unhealthy and unbiblical) expectation for them to return the same amount to me. This leads to sin as I begin to be bitter and angry that the person doesn't suffice me. I am sorry that you have to deal with that.

But I am thankful to be reminded to "rejoice in the Lord always" because honestly, there isn't much to complain about when I think about the fact that God loves me and chose to reconcile with me even though I was the one to push Him away. How often do I forget about that? If it takes an ownage sinus infection to once again bring me back to that truth, then it's totally worth it

forgiveness

2011-04-30T01:13:00.000-07:00

Love keeps no record of wrong.

I've been challenged a lot in this lately because forgiving people is so hard to do. When someone wrongs me, even in the smallest of ways, I desire, so much, to inflict the same pain on them. I want to yell at them to clearly show how much they hurt me. I want them to feel what I feel because I think it will bring me some sort of satisfaction. Some sort of justice. For sure, I think telling someone off would def bring some pleasure.

But it's crazy because God commands us to forgive, forget, and move on. I remember thinking during the week about how I would be sacrificing the satisfaction of telling that person about the hurt they inflicted by forgetting about it and moving on. But then God owned me as He allowed me to realize that He is actually inviting me into the greater joy of getting to know Him more as I learn to forgive because through that I am given another opportunity to grow and understand more of the Gospel. I was reminded of the importance of forgiving in not only reconciling relationships, but also in allowing me to see another glimpse of God's unfailing love for me that chose to forever forgive me through the cross.

rest

2011-04-27T00:04:00.000-07:00

Today I was complaining to my friend about how I only got 6 hours of sleep over the last two days and she told me to go to sleep. I told them "no way, I can handle this. no rest = ez pz." And then she shared the verse:

"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." - 1Corinth 6:19-20

Owned. As I thought about it, I was shocked at how sneaky pride is in getting into even the smallest aspects of my life because I realized that I stay up late and procrastinate on work because I think that I can finish it by my own strength (+ caffeine). Even in this small way, pride is so destructive because it causes me to neglect the temple that my body is and let it stumble just because I think I am able to withstand the night. Especially for someone like me who gets irritated easily and cranky and crazy when tired, though it is not wise to stay up, I choose to put myself in situations where I must stay up because pride makes me think I can.

I need to rest more in reverence of the Holy Spirit that God has gifted to dwell in me. What a horrible steward I am to Him, but in the end God somehow chooses to redeem.

Love always...

2011-04-23T03:03:00.000-07:00

protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres.

I had an actual written entry but I thought this was enough:

For some reason my eyes almost sweat watching this.

But all sappiness aside, lately I've been taken on a crazy journey through various relationships in my life and through them all God has been constantly reminding me of what it means to have a heart that wants to fight for someone you love. So many times I want to just give up, be bitter, wallow in sadness and anger and let things fall apart, but I think it takes another Good Friday for me to remember that true love is sacrifice. When we deliberately choose to sin and run away from God every second of every day, never has he, nor will he, let us wander to our hearts' desire. Rather, our Father waits patiently for us and runs joyfully to us as he sees us returning to him from a distance. God didn't look at our broken relationship with him because of all our sin and decide to just give up, create new us's, and start over, instead he asked himself the question, "how can I fix this?" God committed to us through the covenant he made and he faithfully honors that promise even when the only option was for blood to be spilled upon our behalf. The need for a perfect, unblemished sacrifice that can atone for all of our sins. A bridge between our hearts and God's glory. The only answer was to sacrifice his son.

Throughout all these last couple weeks, I've complained to God saying that people hurt me too much and I just want to give up. He first rebukes me with love through his word and random book quotes such as, "as we begin to focus more on Christ, loving Him and others becomes more natural. As long as we are actively pursuing Him, we are satisfied in Him. It is when we stop actively loving Him that we find ourselves restless and gravitating toward other means of fulfillment" (crazy love). And he reminds me of marriage and questions how I am going to be able to honor that commitment/covenant and continue to love despite the hardships. Then he reminds me of how little I deserve to be pursued by him. I am humbled as I realize more of the magnitude of God's love and how unable I am at embodying even a little bit of it in my own relationships. I am sorry for that.

But somehow God redeems all.

Happy Easter! rejoice

BlackBerry Journey (9) // "ask me"

2011-04-20T05:37:00.000-07:00

How are you?

I ask you this because I care about you deeply. I want to know how you are doing because I want to be part of what you're going through. I don't want you to have to go through it alone. I want to encourage you if I can. But most importantly, I want to direct you back towards God and His unfailing love for you. I want to suffer with you. I want to rejoice with you. I want to share the goodness of God with you.

But how little do we genuinely ask others this question? How often am I too caught up with the moments and daily battles of my own life to see the bigger picture that there are others around me going through hard times too? How often do we focus on our own hearts instead of having God's heart for all people? It's such simple question that can lead to the greatest testaments of God's grace and love but not enough people ask it and actually mean it. I am so slow to listen to others' problems and even slower to show any interest in them. Take time to ask this simple question and you can hear some honest answers. I bet there is someone with a heart that is waiting eagerly to hear this extension of God's personal and intimate love for them. They are waiting in anticipation to witness God's constant and intentional interest in exactly what they are feeling and going through.

Break my heart for what breaks yours. Let me think less about myself and more about you and the people you've placed around me.

BlackBerry Journey (8) // "Solitude"

2011-04-04T17:36:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered why God made man and woman in series instead of concurrently? Our sovereign and all-knowing God must have known that "it is not good that man should be alone" because of his innate need for a "helper fit for him," but still God deliberately chooses to create Adam first then Eve. I'm reading a book called "Reaching Out" by Henri Nouwen and he talks about the importance of our solitary time with God our Father, where we can seek to converse with and listen to him while simply dwelling in his presence. Lately as I have been thinking about solitude, I have been learning more about how much God must love us to desire that alone time with us. Too often do I view my quiet times as a span of minutes where I can come to God for comfort and guidance for that specific allotted number of digits and then just check out the rest of the day, not fully grasping the magnitude of the desire that God has to spend time with me. I mean, He showed it clearly through the cross by reconciling me forever to him by freeing me from the bondage of sin, but it's crazy because this grace is evident every single day as he keeps reaching out to me even when I choose not to reach back.

We talked about in discipleship last week how God must have purposely chose to create a woman after creating man in order to have his own alone time with man first and foremost. God is so jealous for us and so desires to be loved back by his children that he would choose to delay man's natural tendency for a woman helper in order to initially establish that man's relationship with God, the creator and his father, as the most important thing. Within this I realized how quickly I turn to people for comfort because it is so much more tangible to find physical refuge in them, but as God shows clearly in genesis, he understands my innate desire for community (because just as He is in the trinity and we were made for community) and will indeed provide important people around me but wants to establish my own relationship with him first.

God your father loves you so much, spend time with him and seek to love him back!

BlackBerry Journey (7) // "Marketing"

2011-04-02T01:05:00.000-07:00

was always something that interested me. It's cool to be able to present something in a way that is pleasing to people and convinces them to buy it or desire it in some way. As I was thinking about marketing, I began to wonder how I would market myself. Say I had to present myself to a company for endorsement, I tried to think of someway to spin what I have in a way that people would like me and I came up with....

nothing. I looked over my resume only to see how crappy its content is. I tried to think about all the things that would make me appealing in this world and I could only list things that didn't: I DON'T have a nice car, a high GPA or even a vision for what to do with my life, a steady job, a relationship, air jordans, a longboard, ray bans, height, eloquent speech, sports skills, etc. I really don't have anything. Not a lot of money or status. I'm sure I am pretty average to a lot of people.

But, as I was thinking about all that I don't have, I realized that the one thing I truly have is a fervent love for God my Father. I love Him. I think it took the last three years for me to be able to proclaim that genuinely because "love" is a very big word for me that I don't want to throw around when talking to anyone. I think it'll take a while before I can even say that to a girl I really care about. But God has somehow softened this hard heart of mine enough to love him and for that I am thankful. But more than me loving him, God loves me (so much more!) and that is enough. I have been learning what it means to truly say that God's love is sufficient for me as he slowly takes away all these things that I "love" to show me that He is the only one whom I should love and give my heart to despite what the world might say.

With all this said my biggest passion throughout life has always been to try to translate the love of God into a way the world understands. Hopefully God grants me the creativity and opportunity to do so.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." - Matthew 22:37

Running in Circles

2011-04-01T01:48:00.000-07:00

I have been singing this song everyday for the past two weeks. I think it has been such an important reminder that even though pressure amounts from my parents or friends or teachers or random people about what I am doing with all my free time this quarter or what I am going to do with my life once I graduate with an English degree, I have a genuine and refined faith that God has big things planned and is revealing it according to His time, not mine. It's crazy how much God has been reminding me not to be worried or anxious lately but to just trust

God I trust that you are controlling everything. If I have learned anything from these past couple months it is that you love me enough to show me that you are the best thing for me and I thank you for that. Please guide me Father

Freedom Reigns - Aside

2011-03-19T01:20:00.000-07:00

These last couple weeks I have been feeling like the white guy in this

but now I can feel like this

only because I am reminded of this

aside: Lately I've been reminded and want to remind you that life isn't all about having fun. Seek to be self-controlled because it is a fruit of the spirit. You cannot be Christ's disciple without embracing discipline. I need to remind myself of this all the time!

Themes Pt1: Prayer

2011-03-17T02:30:00.000-07:00

My prayer life has been growing exponentially lately and for that I praise God. If you know anything about my last academic quarter, you will find truth when I say that it was the hardest, craziest, scariest, but most redeeming quarter of my life. I think I am still unpacking all that I learned and trying to filter through the debris of all that was crumbled to ruin by God's gracious hand that still seeks to reconstruct my unworthy heart into what He desires. This last quarter was like a whirlwind of emotions and of these the most prominent was confusion. Man, I am still confused. What the heck is going on? Where am I going? It's so dark ahead. I get anxious and worried and scared. I want to linger in the past for fear of the future. How much safer is it to be retroactive than progressive?

In this tumultuous period all I can do is pray. I feel so helpless and weak but out of that arises desperation for my Father's deliverance and love that I need so much. All I want to do is point towards heaven and express honest frustration and anger but always end up falling facedown realizing how undeserving I am of everything.

Prayer has, thankfully, grown into not just a conversation with God where I thank him and petition to Him, but more of a time where I can solely dwell in His presence. Lately my prayer times have been me just sitting in silence and understanding that He knows exactly how I feel and what I am going through and seeking to let him speak to me in that quiet place. I don't even know what words to say because everything is so jumbled up in my head right now, but the Holy Spirit somehow intercedes on my behalf and brings me to a place where I can abide in Him in submission and reverence. I think this is how prayer should be, not just a constant communication with our Father, but also a continual acknowledgment and immersion in His presence.

I am so tired from this quarter. I want to just relax this break

Maybe go drifting on sailboats

THEMES

2011-03-14T14:41:00.000-07:00

It's crazy because God brings up things over and over in my life that He must really want me to be conscious of. For me lately they have been:

- Prayer. I just want to dwell with God
- God's sovereignty. Your kingdom come, your will be done...not mine
- Living for God's glory and that being enough even when it's not what I want
- Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. (Your love never fails)
- Missions. Jesus was the craziest missionary
- Humility. Huge planks in my eyes
- Aftermath

Elaborations to come.

Letting Go pt3: the culmination, Revelation 21

2011-02-28T23:52:00.000-08:00

This has been most of my quiet times lately. I really hope it encourages you

"He who overcomes will inherit all of this. I know you are hurting right now as I reconstruct your life, but it is because I love you. I don't want you to be comfortable. I don't want you to be complacent. I want you to seek me with everything that you have because I know that I am the only one who can satisfy you. I want you to be desperate for me so that nothing can get in the way of the intimacy I want with you because you are my beloved son. I want to teach you, mold you, comfort you, love you, and save you from this dying world. Stop looking at the waves around you and look upward at me! Don't you see these scars on his hands and feet? Don't you see my arms open wide beckoning you to me for eternity? Come to me my son."

"I know all this, God, but I'm scared. I fear the uncertainty ahead. I am frustrated with how things are once again so unstable for me. My future is once again so dark and often times cant see anyone by my side. It bothers me that what I thought was right, was taken away. When things were becoming clearer and even progressing upward, you changed my direction. Lord, I am confused because things shifted so fast and I am slow to react. My innate desire is to seek comfort in people and post how I am doing all over my twitter, facebook, tumblr, aim status, everything just to feel loved and avoid loneliness. Father, I'm just so tired. How much I long to just hear you say to me, 'well done, good and faithful servant."

"Stop. Stay still. Turn to me. Look here at my son. I sacrificed him for you. I unleashed the fullest extent of my wrath for your sin on his innocent body. I turned away and left him alone in his greatest time of need just so you will never be alone. I am with you always. You are now clean. You are made new and given life. You are now my adopted son forever. I have already done everything for you. Let it go and trust in my goodness. I will not fail because I have already won! You are free from the clutches of death and the evil one and I want you to dwell in my victory. Remember, he who overcomes will inherit all this and because I want you here with me, I am going to build courage in you by making you trust in me. I am good and will protect you. Seek me wholeheartedly."

I want to know you

2011-02-27T18:44:00.001-08:00

My prayer the last couple days. God please be all I want. I am sorry that I replace you so often. Thank you for forgiving me

Letting Go pt2: Tumbling Jericho

2011-02-21T16:35:00.000-08:00

So often do I find myself praying to God for change. I am striving after Him and where I think He's guiding me, but become frustrated and impatient because in front of me lies this huge obstacle. It's like a wall that prevents me from progressing. I am reminded of Joshua 6 and its account of the Walls of Jericho. This imposing fortress is blocking me from my desired destination filled with my goals and my dreams. Whether it's waiting for career opportunities to blossom, or relationships to progress, or church ministries to bear fruit, I often feel a glimpse of day 4 or 5 of the 7 day march around the walls and the strenuous perseverance and faith necessary to keep following God's direct commands.

Then I get owned as God reminds me of His command that "The city and all that is in it are to be devoted to the Lord," - Joshua 6:17. My selfish and prideful ambition taints the gracious and assured promises of God. How often do I pray to God expressing desires for progress while my heart clearly wants it for my own gain? I want this job not to be a witness to my coworkers or make money to help people, but so that I can have a successful future and spending money for ray bans and guitar equipment. I want to get closer to this person not to direct them to Christ, but to show them more of myself feed my ego. I always want to speed things up and get to where I want and forget the graceful sovereignty of God that He is completely intentional with His timing and uses every day of marching me around what I view as an obstacle to purify my own desires and see to it that the desires of my heart and mind are in line with his own. I realize how important this 7 day march around the city is as God not only shows his faithfulness but also shows me enough grace to make sure that my heart is in the right place so that His glory would be rightfully proclaimed.

God reminds me that I need to check myself and make sure that my intention is to devote everything He provides back to Him before I seek for more.

"All a man's ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart." - Proverbs 21:2

"Failures"

2011-02-03T09:14:00.001-08:00

Lately my days have been strenuous treks where I am super tired and feel like I am in a constant state of desperation for God and must cling unto him or drown. But within this tumultuous season, it's humbling to see more and more of the ever increasing extent of God's sufficiency and encouragement through it all. Yesterday I was reading old journal entries and God somehow used past-bryan to encourage present-bryan. It's crazy to see that even a year later, though my struggles are different, the conclusion always ends up the same.

2/15/2010
"As I filled out that PhySci grade sheet for my classes, I saw, clearly, the extent of my failures. The futility of my work. And to be honest it hurts me so much to see it and think that I am not good enough. I feel like that sheet almost reaffirms my lack of something: zeal, motivation, intelligence, luck. Something's absence that doesn't allow me to do well enough in the eyes of someone else out there. I don't even know who that person is that is judging me, maybe some med school admittance rep or maybe myself. But in reality, I feel like a failure.

But if this is the path I need to take for you to teach me and mold me and refine me into someone who exudes the qualities you identify with, then I accept it and I stand firm in it. You know I always pray that you may be glorified and I acknowledge that this is one chance, of many that will come in the future, by which I can do so and proclaim my faith in what is prepared for me and your constant goodness within these times when I feel the most burdened. If this brings you glory, then I am thankful for the opportunity.

Let the shadows of my days prove your constant sunshine throughout my life."

Letting Go pt1: Scalpel

2011-01-30T22:26:00.000-08:00

Relationships scare me sometimes. I find myself questioning whether or not I am doing things properly. How is our communication? Am I giving you enough space? Am I pursuing you enough? How is my encouragement and openness? How are you? Am I serving you in the right ways? What am I doing wrong? I feel like I have flash floods of this type of questioning throughout the day which Satan quickly uses to fill my heart with feelings of fear and ultimately worry.

It is especially difficult because relationships are like a scalpel in that they are unique tools by which God is able to operate on two people's hearts in order to reveal, remove, and ultimately heal many of their innate insecurities and sins that deter the couple away from a more intimate relationship with Him. Relationships allow for further sanctification of the two members through which we, as His children, are molded and refined more into imitations of Christ.

But just like a scalpel, relationships are also very dangerous in that, when misused can leave deep wounds that pierce our hearts and tarnish them with calloused scar tissue. This hurt manifests outwardly as we seek to keep people at a comfortable distance and not let them any closer for fear of being hurt again. We displace any emotions and feelings of intimacy and instead remain in the realm of shallow convenience further limiting ourselves from opportunities to be loved by people as an extension of God's unfailing love for us.

Knowing the magnitude, importance, gravity, consequence, seriousness (thesaurus.com ftw) of relationships, I question myself a lot because the seeming responsibility sometimes feels overwhelming. Thoughts float around in my head saying, "God invited you into this, so don't mess it up. If you do, God will take it all away and you'll be alone again." It's crazy because in essence (at least the first part of) these thoughts are true, but Satan is so disgustingly clever in twisting these phrases to center around ME, not God, and paint a picture of Him as an enforcer, not a shepherd to the point where I subconsciously seek to take control of the scalpel myself. I look inward instead of upward for guidance. The danger in this shrewd distortion of the truth is that I don't know what I am doing. I could have been in hundreds of relationships before but it wouldn't matter because in the end taking control for myself would only lead to heartbreak as I seek to operate without any qualifications and with a heart fearful of a seeming god of pure wrath. And Satan wants this because the last thing he wants is our relationship to flourish and grow and be more and more like an imitation of God's love that is used to illuminate the often dark relationships around us.

And to this I say nope. I don't want to control this relationship and seek to direct it myself, rather submit to the authority of our loving God in guiding us by deeming what is truly good for the both of us. I don't want to go about blindly slicing through random crap thinking I'm fixing anything, rather offer up the scalpel to the one person who fully knows how to use it.

jbieb agrees.

thank you for reminding me not to worry through it all

BlackBerry Journey (6) // "Gentleman"

2011-01-01T17:42:00.000-08:00

This has been sitting in my blackberry for a while and I couldn't seem to finish it till recently.

"A quality that I have been growing in is gentleness which is awesome because it is God developing me more and more into the biblical image of what it means to be a man. The big thing that has arisen from this quality of gentleness is my ever maturing perception of women. No longer (finally) do I see them as guys with longer hair and differently proportioned bodies, rather I understand that they are daughters of the most high God and that he has blessed me with the privilege of having them as my sisters.

But I've also been realizing that it is a privilege that many of us men fail to understand or accept leading us on the dangerous path of inevitable sin where we seek to glorify ourselves through a relationship with a woman. We play games with their hearts because we long for their attention. We base their worth on their physical appeal. We treat them as tools for our pleasure. And I am sorry for that. But as we grow closer to Christ and learn more of his character and how he interacts with people, especially women, we find ourselves diverging from what society deems as manly to what the bible depicts. We are slowly transformed as we leave behind our innate childish desires for validation and cowardice and instead learn to value leadership and expressing a heart of service.

As I write all this good stuff, though, I know that I will still make a lot of mistakes and fail. And to be honest I'm scared for that, but through it all I am still excited to for the opportunity to grow in understanding of God's grace and love for us since from that stems everything that is good."

"But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith." 1st Timothy 6:11-12

every breath is a second chance

Matthew 14:22-33

2010-11-27T22:24:00.000-08:00

Jesus told me to "come" so I stepped out of the boat and placed my foot as gently as possible on the seemingly unsettled surface. This is insane. The wind feels like sharp blades as it stings my skin and tries to tear through my clothing. Raindrops take on the weight of little stones as they pelt me like I angered them. But I look straight ahead and see Jesus, my teacher, shepherd, and protector. I keep walking and with every step I take the ice cold water numbs my feet and sends chills resonating to the very tips of the hairs on my body. I have to squint in order to avoid flying debris from piercing my eyes.

And then Fear strikes. In a split second the chills compounded with the wind and rain all conglomerate into a single composite force of doubt that forces my vision from my Lord to the raging waters around me. "Oh my gosh, what the freak is going on?" I ask myself as my parasympathetic nervous system triggers my fight or flight response and my heart innately begins to flee. I am deathly distressed. All I can see are the waves. Wow they are so big and I can't see any end to them. I remember Jesus reassuring me, "Take courage. It is I. Don't be afraid," but my gaze remains fixed on my surroundings and I begin to sink. I have just witnessed this man feed five thousand people with five loaves of bread and two fish. A couple of chapters ago I have seen him heal the sick and resurrect a synagogue ruler's daughter, but doubt still fills my heart.

I get swallowed up by everything that is burdening me. "How am I going to make any money and support my family with this GPA? Is med school still an option? Man church is so hard to serve at. I feel like I am stretched so thin ministering to others. I hurt so many people. I am tired." But the Holy Spirit is good enough to intercede on my behalf and allow me to let out the cry, "Lord, save me!" And immediately Jesus reaches out his hand to deliver me. He rebukes me, out of love, for my lack of faith and proceeds to take me to safety and calm the storms within me. I am in awe and I begin to worship as I am reminded of his teaching and encouragement: "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

He loves me and wants to disciple me and I am reminded to find peace and joy in that

BlackBerry Journey (5) // "Future Plans?"

2010-11-14T22:28:00.000-08:00

"To be honest, I have no idea. I have a vague blur of the future in which I am doing something helpful for someone (hopefully in health care or something related), but everything is so gray. I really used to worry about it a lot, which I think is normal for all us college students (maybe even younger, sadly). What happens if I cant make enough money to support my parents or my family? What happens if I just fail at what I'm trying to achieve? I don't know, but I've been reminded day after day that God is still good. He is not only the creator, but also the sustainer and He loves me enough to provide.

With all that said, I still am not sure what career option to take at this point. I'm on a pre-med track and am down for it, but am also open to other options. I am thankful for being open so I don't let my often selfish ambition get in the way of God working. But one thing I know for sure that I would want to do in any occupation is to seek to encourage those around me. This is, thankfully, the constant conviction of my heart. I don't know why it is because people (including me) suck like 99% of the time, but for some reason God opens my heart for others and that's awesome. I think that's why I revise every blog post I write because for those (like 4) people who (I tell to) read this blog, I want the perfect words to flow from me in order to encourage them exactly where they're at.

The book of Acts is such a great reminder for me regarding encouragement because Paul goes around preaching the gospel from town to town and it accounts how he gets messed up from getting stoned or beat up by the townspeople but in the end it always states how he sought to encourage his brothers and sisters in the town. After all of that hardship, Paul's sole desire was to preach the gospel and encourage his spiritual community, Christ's body. I really hope that all of us can have that heart especially regarding our churches as we try to constantly check up on others and seek to encourage, as well as be encouraged, because we cannot go through life alone. God made us for community just as he is in the trinity.

"Then some Jews came from Antioch and Iconium and won the crowd over. They stoned Paul and dragged him outside the city, thinking he was dead. But after the disciples had gathered around him, he got up and went back into the city. The next day he and Barnabas left for Derbe. They preached the good news in that city and won a large number of disciples. Then they returned to Lystra, Iconium and Antioch, strengthening the disciples and encouraging them to stay true to the faith." Acts 14: 19-21
That's freaking crazy."

This is fairly unrelated, I just really like the song and her ^_^

BlackBerry Journey (4) // "Pacemaker"

2010-11-10T01:45:00.000-08:00

"I just finished my Physiological Sciences midterm. I doubt I did too well, but I am grateful because I was really encouraged studying for it. I learned that the heart is definitely my favorite organ (I was surprised I had a favorite) because of its pacemaker cells. These cells are the things that keep your ventricles pumping and supplying your body with essential oxygenated blood 24/7. What I thought was crazy about them is that they are not innervated by any of the central nervous system, meaning that even if you get a massive spinal cord injury or anything that damages your nervous system, your heart keeps beating. The most vital organ of the human body that supplies every part of you with the most important source of nutrition stays alive even when you are supposed to die.

While I was studying this, I was reminded of how we are completely dead to sin. Our flesh and everything about us is utterly useless, broken, and lifeless, but our souls still flourish and thrive because they, unlike our bodies, do not depend on this world or the physics of it. Our souls remain created, purchased, and sustained by the one and only God of all. Though we were dead with our transgressions, now we live freely because of Christ's sacrifice for our redemption.

God is the creator and sustainer of everything.

aside: I highly doubt I am going to get an A in physci107, but I think it's an unbelievable blessing to see the glory of God in the course material"

aside2: I am so thankful for my brothers and sisters

I'm not good

2010-11-06T23:34:00.000-07:00

when I'm tired. It's a problem I'm realizing that I have because I become really irritable and annoyed of people very easily and seriously end up stumbling so many people. I seriously don't know how people can handle me and not be angry. I don't think I could be able to handle myself. I have to constantly repent for being horrible

But within this it's so crazy to see God redeeming every single sin I commit against people. I hurt people and mess relationships up ALL THE TIME but God is so good ALL THE TIME that He chooses to keep fostering my friendships and provide me with people who love me even when I constantly sin against them. I am so thankful for all my friends. Thank you for being patient with me. You all are true blessings from God

Trap-Inception-Redemption

2010-10-31T18:08:00.000-07:00

I mess up a lot. I'm a huge klutz and trip over everything. I forget stuff at home and have to have my parents drive back and get it and drop it off again. I am selfish and act horrible to people all the time, I am so sorry for that. And within this realization of how much I fail it's easy for me to fall into the trap of condemnation in which Satan plants those deadly seeds of inadequacy and worthlessness into my head. But then I wake up and it's all a dream. The more I get to know God the more I begin to realize how redeeming He is in every single mistake that I can possibly make. That 2000 years ago He knew of the faults I commit today and forgave them and justified them as well as tomorrow's and forever deemed me loved as his son

"Again, the gift of God is not like the result of the one man's sin: The judgment followed one sin and brought condemnation, but the gift followed many trespasses and brought justification." Romans 5:16

Mary and Martha

2010-10-24T18:16:00.000-07:00

I have a very long to-do list that spans the next couple weeks. It feels really good when I check something off then I look at the remaining overwhelming compilation of work and get anxious. I worry a lot. I walk around school everyday wondering what I should be doing and if I'm meant to be in a certain class or studying a certain subject or interacting with certain people. And at the end of the day I'm simply left questioning trying to figure out God's plan for me.

Lately I have been reminded how not glorifying to God that anxiety and mindset is as I neglect opportunities to faithfully and wholeheartedly wait at His feet and serve Him in everything I do without any worry to whether it is part of some great plan for me. I really feel like Martha in Luke 10:38-42 who puts too much time and effort and attention into doing things that she might think would be pleasing to Jesus instead of stopping and simply listening to Him and delighting in His presence in her home. Too many times do I too try to decipher what God wants for me forgetting the fact that I am man not God and neglecting the opportunity to love dwelling in His presence. After all, it is delighting in God that brings Him great glory

Time to be Mary

here's a song that's been on my heart lately

A Father's Heart

2010-10-17T00:32:00.000-07:00

It's my dad's birthday today and I am in awe of God's ability to continuously teach me what true love is through my dad's actions towards me. I am so thankful that my earthly father can remind me of my heavenly father. It's crazy because the more I think about my dad the more I realize soon that I will become a father and appreciate the seemingly little responsibilities that my dad does that are actually grand statements of what love really is. When I wake up at 6:30am and drive my child to zero period every morning for three years or help him practice shooting a basketball for hours in the backyard or buy him that favorite toy he's been talking about for months, I hope I'll always remember my dad but more importantly that love is sacrifice as shown through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ for all of our sins.

praise God for good dads

aside: I am en route to my quarter life crisis

BlackBerry Journey (3) // "In The Less of Me..."

2010-09-25T22:23:00.000-07:00

"One of the biggest problems I have learned about myself is that I hate being misunderstood in my thoughts and actions. Maybe it is the insecurity arising within me, but I want people to not judge me without getting to know me first. I found this characteristic especially prominent when I meet people for the first time and try to implement important details about myself within our conversation that make me interesting or that I am proud of.

Through this, I have learned the greater truth in which my intention of trying to point people to myself is an evidence of pride in my heart. I too often misplace my focus and lose sight of what it means to be a follower of Christ as I let my pride distort my true objective which is to point people to God and God alone. Too many times do I seek my own glory and own recognition and forget to whom it all belongs to.

With this said, I am thankful that God has shown me grace and given me the heart to strive for holiness so that the more someone might get to know me, the more they might be able see the attitudes and mindsets that Jesus embodies in my own life. I am so glad that God is teaching me of and guiding me through this dangerous trap that I too often fall into before I begin leading small groups for kcm. I am once again reminded that my role as not only a small group leader but a Christian is the direct people not to myself, but to God.

God's timing is always so graceful

DEC 2nd

American Idol

2010-09-21T11:29:00.000-07:00

BlackBerry Journey (2) // "A Beautiful Mess"

2010-09-12T22:30:00.000-07:00

I think that moving on is only possible by letting things go so here's to what God has in store for this upcoming school year

"I've been learning to appreciate imperfections and understanding how it is sometimes the ugliness that makes something beautiful.

I guess the only way to define this year is the image of a beautiful mess beacuse going through it was a rough, tear filled journey that often brought me to my knees asking for Your strength because I didn't see any within me. But as I look it over I can only see the blessings: relationships with people who chose not to let me fall even though I kept pushing them away, spiritual growth and understanding the concept of showing grace to myself, and actually learning the material in school so that I can apply it later in life. Everything about this year was me transitioning and I still don't know where I am going but I do know that I am loved even when I cant love myself.

I really wonder what's going to happen with me and my major, my career, my relationships and I'm scared about where I might be headed, but I now know that beauty can arise from the imperfections. What a unique journey to where I eventually need to be."

one of my favorite and most beautiful scenes of all time. so symbolic

BlackBerry Journey (1) // "Good Bye"

2010-08-26T00:12:00.000-07:00

I write a lot on my BlackBerry when I'm walking to and from class or just have alone time. As I was reviewing them, I found some that I thought were very important to share in order to show how God has been working in my life and, hopefully, to encourage you.

"All we ever do is say goodbye and it's slowly getting harder each time. I hate having to let people go because that means that I am not going to be there watching over them and encouraging them and just being with them. I am letting them go and leaving it up to what I think is chance. But that's not true. In reality I am leaving them up to You and You can take much better care of people than I ever can. As much as I might love them and desire to be with them because of it, I know that You are love and Your love is perfect and exactly what they need. The words I say and write, the hugs I give and receive, they are all a simple part of your intricate and ultimate plan to keep defining what True Love really is and I am thankful to be part of that. Please help me remember that and always be grateful for the grace You've shown me in even blessing me with relationships to foster."

Thankfulness

2010-08-23T21:51:00.001-07:00

This vid has been a good reminder to me to always be thankful for things I usually take for granted. I hope it can be a reminder for you as well

still a lot of summer left!

, Still You

2010-08-05T16:26:00.000-07:00

I am growing up and I am terrified of what is to come. It is strange because now when I listen to phrases like "A New Way To Be Human" and questions of "Why Georgia?" they seem to be a lot more relatable as I begin to ponder these thoughts for myself. Lately I've been really struggling with finding out who I am. The name Bryan Kang seems to be so undefined, or maybe misdefined, or maybe misinterpreted by me. I've been learning about what it means to be a son of God and discerning what His plans are from my own and realizing that they fail to coalesce most of the time. Satan has definitely placed his deadly pokes and prods at strategic points to break and torment me when I am most weak and have fallen into what feels like The Valley of the Shadow of Death. He's fed my pride and fueled my envy to the point where I have failed to love those around me especially my own self. But through it all God has guided and shepherded me and shown me a greater understanding of what it means to be forgiven and loved and grown me in the gospel message. I am still on this journey and ask for patience and encouragement because I find it hard to do that for myself

Let My Shadows Pt.2

2010-07-19T00:02:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about shadows the other day because I saw a guy sleeping under the shade of a tree near Jan's Steps and I realized that not only do shadows prove the sunshine, but they can also provide shade for others around. It's crazy to think that a dark, cynical shadow for someone can turn into a comforting, shelter-like shade for another

here's what I've been learning (bad resolution)

here's what I've been enjoying

Heart Massage

2010-07-12T00:12:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am getting a massage for my heart as all these tough knots that have accumulated throughout the years are getting loosened up. I am going to be sore, but it will be so revitalizing in the end.

It is comforting to know that God disciplines his sons to make them stronger. It is encouraging to know that the hands that hold the world are holding my heart.

Words and Illustrations

2010-07-05T00:23:00.000-07:00

Despite my desire to write what I am thinking about and feeling, I don't have the words to yet. But I felt like these pictures, words, and songs encapsulate what I've been coming to understand recently. Maybe you can help me translate these into actual words words, or maybe they are just better stated in this form. I hope this encourages you in some way

Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Chew slowly. don't need to be in a rush

we are loved

Stewards

2010-05-15T00:09:00.000-07:00

In my mind I originally started writing this in reference to a particular person but I realized that there are a good number of people this applies to so I decided to post it with the desire to be an encouragement.

"I am an acquired taste on the best of days. I realize that I need an average of about ten first impressions to get me to break out of my shell and feel comfortable with a person. I am super shy at first and I hated that about myself for the longest time. I really wished I was more outgoing, extroverted, fun, adventurous, spontaneous. I have been realizing more and more that I don't have much, by the world's standards, that can intrigue people about me within our initial meeting. I am not good looking, bad at sports, mediocre at instruments, and of average intelligence. I am not super artsy and can't take cool black and white photos with maximum exposure that can really bring out the contrast of the shading (I have no idea what any of those photo words mean.) or write catchy songs about the paparazzi having poker faces and wanting to just dance because they are hot n cold after listening to Justin Bieber. A lot of these things that man might find impressive, God did not bless me with and I am at peace with that.

As much as I used to focus on this list of 'I cants,' God has grown me to fully appreciate what he has given me and with that I have been learning more and more that God has blessed me with a heart for people. For some reason, I care about you. I don't even know why sometimes. You might be annoying and talk too much. You might smell or tell the worst jokes humanly possible. I might barely know you, but in the end what I care about most is making you laugh or smile or simply listening to what is on your heart. I want to encourage you and love you because God loves you more than anything. I don't think any of this comes without hesitation or fear on my part, but for some reason I want to keep fostering our relationship and get to know you more. I really don't like residing in this complacency and being happy with just knowing you now because we are constantly changing and I want to be a part of that.

I will be honest, what hurts the most when caring about people is when a person does not reciprocate the same feelings back to me, but at the same time I have been learning that that should not be my worry. I think if anything I am to be of the utmost contentment and gratitude for those relationships God blesses me with in which we can both grow in Him together and bring Him glory by loving Him and each other. I am even more thankful for these relationships because God reminds me of his grace and how despite my long list of flaws that outline exactly how untalented I might be in the eyes of society and MTV, he deems me as worthy of his love and even allows me the opportunity to have a heart that desires to show love.

So here is my thank you to God for loving me enough to bless me with people who love me and whom I can love as well. Thank you for allowing my heart to be soft enough to look past someone's outward appearance and appreciate the beauty that you have blessed them with through Jesus' death and resurrection. Thank you for showing me what true love is through the sacrifice of your son by which I can now delight in your love forever.

I just pray that I can be a good steward to the relationships you have given me."

Like a plane in the sunset

2010-05-08T22:10:00.000-07:00

this is exactly how I feel:

Switchfoot - let that be enough

praise God for music.

Pray that I have motivation to keep studying

Ppl

2010-04-30T17:22:00.000-07:00

This week was ridiculous for me in every way. I feel like God stretched me in so many different directions; He took me out of my comfort zone, He expanded my vision of what He envisions, He reminded me of my purpose.

I was reminded of how I really care about people. I know I am horrible at showing it sometimes (most times) but I really am growing in it and it's progress for sure. This week was all about people for me; So many new relationships, so many "next steps" within a relationship, even more fostering of old relationships. To be honest I am pretty burnt out. I need to recharge and spend time with God and be comforted by him. But I am utterly thankful that I am constantly seeking and God is showing up. That's grace.

The biggest thing I've been realizing about relationships with people is that God can take better care of people than I can. I am a control freak and that translates over into my relationships with people in which I feel like I need to be there for them and encourage them and love them all the time when in reality all that I can give is emptiness in comparison to what God can. I am learning to have more peace with letting people go and understanding that while I might not be there in person for someone, God is always there and he is perfect.

If God wants me to become a doctor, I know that these lessons will be vital in establishing my foundation as desiring to care for people, not simply patients, as my number one priority. But then again, I will have to see what happens regarding med school...

Here am I, all of me

My Soul Sings

2010-04-28T00:08:00.000-07:00

A part of me wishes I could write how I feel but usually I just don't have the words to but I really believe that God uses music to give me a voice

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express" -Romans 8:26

O Happiness!

2010-04-24T01:02:00.001-07:00

I've been listening to a lot of music lately

I really like the message of this song. O happiness! there is grace enough for us and the whole human race

I've also been growing a lot. Dang praise God. It's been far from easy or fun or enjoyable, but it's been good and there isn't much more I can ask for. We are loved

I am so tired...

2010-04-20T20:36:00.000-07:00

But God still loves me and I love him. I just needed to remind myself by writing this out. Praise Him

edit: i really like this song

"Surround Sound" by Bryan Kang

2010-04-07T18:08:00.001-07:00

I have decided to publish some of the stuff I have finished or haven't finished writing that is sitting in my computer. I wanted to give the stories some life and get some feedback on them because they mean nothing if they are simply stored in digital memory.

Here is a story I ended up turning in for my short story final last year in my creative writing class. It's funny because the story's first 2 drafts were comedies and it ended up being the one you are about to read. Disclaimer: it's pretty sad but it's a piece of writing I am proud of

Surround Sound

In contrast to the living room wall decorated with chipping paint and faded posters of sports athletes and swimsuit models, Jeff's fifty-two inch Panasonic High Definition TV sat on a stand demanding the attention of the entire apartment. Connected to the TV was a web of wires linking it to the total of six speakers and one subwoofer making up the apartment's surround sound system that was able to make any action displayed on the TV sound like reality. The subwoofer sat to the left of the TV like a knight kneeling in front of a king. The speakers were set up strategically around the messy living room on stands like watchtowers surveying the kingdom with the wires acting as messengers tracing back signals to the most prominent appliance. The apartment floor was studded with piles of crumpled up articles of clothing that looked as if they had not been touched for weeks. The lights were dim and the curtains were closed tightly in an attempt to provide the best lighting possible for the majestic TV.

Jeff and Charlie Sat on a worn down two-seater sofa watching Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire on widescreen DVD. While Charlie was sitting upright dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, Jeff slouched lazily sporting mid-thigh running shorts and his faded Snakes on a Plane t-shirt picturing Samuel L. Jackson clenching a snake by its supposed neck in one hand and holding a pump shotgun in the other. The tagline under the picture read, 'Airline food ain't what you gotta worry about on this flight.' A thick layer of grimy facial hair occupied Jeff's face leading up to his oily hairdo with flakes of white sprinkled throughout.

Jeff turned to Charlie and impressively recited Dumbledore's entire speech about the TriWizard Tournament while still chewing on his third Twinkie. "I have a couple of words for you, 'eternal glory,'' Jeff said to Charlie in sync with Dumbledore. "Man, Dumbledore is the most badass wizard of all time. I wish I could embody everything he stands for."

"Dude, Dumbledore is gay," Charlie responded not meeting Jeff's gaze and instead looking around the apartment, "This place is a mess. When was the last time you shaved or showered?" Charlie questioned, with his arms crossed and his butt getting numb from being immobile for so long.

"He's the best wizard in Hogwarts' history," Jeff said ignoring the latter two questions.

"Well, he dies at the end so lets stop watching and seriously clean this mess up."

"What a predictable ending. That just proves how all the characters besides Dumbledore are underdeveloped, the filming is terrible, and the story is completely confusing. Like why the hell does that kid with the glasses always complain about having that scar?" Jeff asked having not read the books or watched the previous three movies. "I'll do much better than this when I move out to Hollywood and make it in the big time." Charlie looked at Jeff puzzled by his statement. "Oh, that's why I asked you to come over today, I've decided to follow the white rabbit into the depths of his rabbit hole and eat the red pill at the end of it." Jeff revealed this crucial decision to Charlie without removing his eyes from the action of Harry fighting the Hungarian Horntail dragon.

Charlie turned his head and watched his best friend lost in the fantasy movie as the news of his plan to depart slowly set in. "What? Surely you cannot be serious about just packing up and leaving. How are you even going to get out there? All you've done for the last four months is sit at home and watch movies in the dark. You have no cash left in your savings and you quit your job right after the acci-"

"First off, don't call me Shirley," Jeff interrupted. "Secondly, don't worry about money, I'll make due. I'll just sell my O-negative blood. I saw an add for it on Craig's List the other day. Two hundred dollars a pint, that's some legit magic."

"I don't understand why you would want to leave. You were never even interested in filming or acting or Hollywood before and now you have this sudden random interest for it and you're willing to give up everything you've already established at home to go chase a rabbit that you probably won't catch."

Jeff shrugged as Hermione yelled "Stupefy!" in the background. "I guess it's just time for me to leave. I'm sick of this small town and all the same people. I need out. I'm in the process of upgrading the DeLorean in the garage for the drive to my final frontier."

"Your Vespa cannot take you cross country. Come on man, you can't just leave town on a whim."

Jeff responded with a loud burp and lifted his feet resting them on the small beat up coffee table in front of the couch. Scattered around the table were clutters of Twinkie wrappers all orbiting an empty Hostess Twinkie box occupying the middle of the tabletop. Complementing the unhealthiness of the snacks was can after can of Monster Energy Drink congregating in the far right corner of the table. Buried amongst the debris of snack foods sat a seemingly misplaced, pleasant four-inch metal picture frame with a photo of Jeff and his fiance Casey posing next to a scenic pasture. Jeff and Casey were standing arm in arm both wearing bright smiles on their faces. Charlie leaned over, picked up the picture frame and handled it gently in his hands as he noticed the physical and emotional contrast between his smiling best friend, Jeff, in the picture and the stoic stranger sitting next to him on the couch. Jeff's eyes glanced at Charlie's examination of the photo as he pointed the remote to the TV and raised the volume. The all too real sounds of wizards fighting and casting spells filled the room.

"You know, moving across the country can't change what happened," Charlie said softly still looking down at the picture.

Jeff took another bite out of his Twinkie and chewed in silence. "Avada Kedavra" echoed loudly from Lord Voldemort followed by the sound of screeching muggles.

"It's not your fault Jeff," Charlie said facing him. "You can't blame yourself for things you can't control and let it eat away at you."

Jeff chose not to return Charlie's gaze. "I was driving therefore I was in control."

"He crashed into you and he was drunk, it was completely his fault and you shouldn't blam-"

"Then why the hell was I the one who lost everything?" Jeff questioned as his eyes glazed themselves with water. "Why do I have to be the one who suffers from that jackass' stupidity? Why did I have to be the sole survivor?" The barrier of water in Jeff's eyes finally crumbled as he blinked causing wet streaks of surrender to trickle down his cheeks. He looked down at the picture resting peacefully in Charlie's hands as the streaks began falling faster. "I just need to get out of here Charlie. I can't take it anymore. Everything I see or smell or touch reminds me of her. I need to stop this pain."

"A change of scenery wont change that..."

Hearing this, Jeff let his head fall into his hands and unleashed the emotion that had been cooped up within him for so long. He wondered why reality could not be more parallel to the movies he watched on his elaborate TV. He wondered why happy endings were not common outside of the fifty-two inch box in front of him. He wondered why his life would end up being a tragedy.

Charlie got up from the couch, placed the picture frame back where he found it on the coffee table, and walked over to turn the TV off manually. No longer was Charlie going to let Jeff be controlled by the autocracy of the fanciful world of imagination. Charlie began picking up the Twinkie wrappers and empty cans off the coffee table. For the first time in a long time, there were no sounds of wizards fighting or spell casting or dragons flying, only Jeff's weeping that did not need to be hooked up to an elaborate speaker system to seem real.

thanks for reading!

Writer's Block. / Transition State.

2010-04-04T23:40:00.000-07:00

I remember my creative writing teacher last year told me very precisely that my writing is at its best when I write about something I really understand (which is probably why my stories had strong reoccurring themes of Harry Potter allusions and nerds trying to be cool to impress girls). I feel like writing is a special art form to me because when I write something down on paper, it allows me to grasp a specific concept and examine the feelings I have in regards to it. Because of this particular role of writing in my life, I feel like I cant write about anything unless I have a really firm command of the subject matter because I simply cannot find the right words to describe it. I spend a good amount of time on thesaurus.com trying to find the word with the perfect connotation but I just cant because I don't know which connotation best fits what I am feeling.

This impediment has blossomed into its fullest potential these last couple months because I, in utmost frustration, do not understand anything that's going on and thus cant seem to write about anything clearly. Multiple times I have opened up my journal or a new blog post and produced nothing more than another blank sheet. Right now I feel like I don't know where I am going, I don't know what I am doing, I don't know where my community is, I don't know which classes I'm supposed to take, I don't know what I am passionate about. I thought I had everything figured out but God decided to jumble things around and refocus me on something different. But I hate being in this state of confusion.

I am reminded of organic chemistry because in chemical reactions there is always a reactant that is bombarded with a significant amount of activation energy (in the form of heat, stirring, or other crazy shizzle) in order to be transformed into a specific product. Within the course of a chemical reaction, however, there is a specific time at which the reactant is in its most unstable state and that state is called the Transition State. This phase is basically chaos because the reactant is being reconfigured, refurbished, rewired, and revamped into something completely different from what it was before. In this transition state, bonds are being made and broken, electron clouds are shifting in space, the entire geometry and shape of the molecule is changing, and other molecules or atoms are colliding into the reactant causing crazy entropy. After two quarter of organic chemistry I think I can finally use the metaphor that: I feel like I am in a particular transition state in my life. I use the word "particular" to describe my current state because I think that life would probably be a reaction with hundreds of steps and therefore hundreds of transition states that ultimately, and surely, mold us to become more and more like Christ. And right now, I am at one of those intermediates where God is giving and taking away in order to keep shaping me into an image of His son.

To be honest, I am pretty frustrated and have been these last couple months because I hate not knowing where I am going but I was really thankful this Easter Sunday because I was reminded of what truly matters which is God's ultimate glory manifested in His love for us. I might not know where I am heading, but I know that I am called to live a life worthy of the good news and I really pray that I can seek to do that everyday regardless of what might be changing within me or around me.

Happy Easter everyone.

aside:
Andrew Bogut - the best bigman in the NBA. sad elbow injury

Let My Shadows Prove the Sunshine

2010-02-17T00:08:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been thinking a lot about God's glory and what it means to exemplify it in my life and I feel like a lot of it comes from being able to stand firm and declare God's goodness when everything is hard and I'm struggling to do anything

As much as I might say that I am doing "alright," in the end it is simply a euphemism for "bad." It's like saying "maybe" on facebook because everyone knows that saying "maybe" is just a nicer way of saying "no" it displaces any guilt we might feel from pressing the button just to the left of it. But regardless of how I am feeling, I believe that God is good and that he is guiding me in every single step I take. So here is my stance against you Satan and all those times you break me down by telling me how useless, purposeless, ugly, unintelligent, lonely, empty, and sinful I am. You know my weaknesses and you know exactly what buttons to push in order to hurt me the most but what is reassuring is that my God does too and He is mighty to save. I am victorious already

Here's to the shadows that will inevitably darken my days because I know that in the end, they will prove that God's light will always shine through

Triumph, Josh Smith style

Switchfoot - the shadow proves the sunshine

Valentine's Day

2010-02-10T00:52:00.000-08:00

In honor of Valentine's day here's the cute Kina Grannis. I like her dress. ( I feel like this is such a cop out post)

For some reason I can't seem to find the words to finish any of my blog posts. My heart and brain are too jumbled up. Freaking words, come hither.

Lets collaborate musically!

Important song

2010-01-31T00:15:00.000-08:00

This is an important song to me. take a listen

hillsong - you hold me now

more updates to come

What I Have Become

2010-01-18T23:25:00.000-08:00

Journal Entry:

"I have become what I hate. I have let heart reside so comfortably simply dwelling in my chest. I have forgotten Your commands to love everyone around me and not just those ones where it can come at my convenience. My heart has become complacent with my state of stasis. I have felt so indifferent and purposeless these last two quarters and it is because I haven't acted on the purpose You have called me for and taken the time to reach out and genuinely love those around me.

There are times I pray that I can embody your love and for some reason always imagine myself in a hospital or on the streets loving those who are physically impaired when in reality I have people I live with, see daily, shower next to, brush my teeth in front of, that I only see or talk to when I feel like it. I trap myself in my own comfortable world of academics or tv shows and come out only when it's easy to. I am reminded of the parable of the Ten Minas where the master leaves his servants in charge of a certain amount of money and leaves. He comes back and rewards those who have been trustworthy with the small amount by making them in charge of even greater things. I feel like the last servant in the parable as I just waste opportunity after opportunity for 'profit' and instead simply remain complacent with my Ten Minas.

I am sorry to have failed You time after time by displacing my courage and staying comfortable in order to avoid any source of awkwardness or vexation on my part. I am thankful, however, that you still bless me with more chances to reach out and love day after day. I pray that I can become more and more like Jesus and the example he set in always initiating with people and meeting them where they are at, instead of having them always approach him. How crazy is it that the King of kings would offer to become just like me and through that show me Love? How crazy is it that You call us to do the same?

I am thankful that, regardless of my many stumbling blocks, you are still helping me Learn to Love."

Resolution 2010

2010-01-03T21:03:00.000-08:00

Here are some of my goals for 2010. I am posting these so that everyone can help keep me accountable in accomplishing them throughout the year. 2009 was an eventful and crazy year in many aspects and I'll hopefully update more on that once I can process what happened throughout it.

resolutions:
- Don't text message while listening to someone during a conversation. (does not apply during lecture.)
- Look up definitions to every word I do not know when reading something. Stop relying so much on context clues.
- Learn to dribble comfortably with both my right and left hands.
- Work out/play basketball at least once a week.
- Learn more medical terms. (So I can impress hot girl doctors with jargon. Just kidding.)
- Practice, not just play, guitar. Find new sounds with effects.
- Get straight A's.
- Update my blog at least twice a month.
- Write in my journal everyday.
- Meet Taylor Swift, realize how much taller she is than me, and then lose all hope in our possible future relationship
- Finish the Old Testament and talk to people about parts I do not understand in it.
- Read Mere Christianity and actually understand it.
- Seek after God expectantly and wholeheartedly.

1 year to accomplish.

aside:
I think one of the most memorable lessons I learned throughout the year is that glorifying God = loving Him and loving others. It's as simple/as hard as that.

here's to another year!

The Glass of Water

2009-12-03T19:29:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about Hope a lot lately because sometimes I feel like it is all I have.

Amidst a quarter saturated with rejection and failure, I am thankful that my heat could remain hopeful and content.

This was an important conversation I had today with an oncologist (doctor who deals with cancer) and it blew my mind:

Me: How can you deal with delivering that heartbreaking news of testing positive for cancer to your patients on a daily basis? It must be so rough...

Oncologist: I think it's a blessing to be an oncologist because of the opportunity to be the one to support your patient and provide him or her with a glimpse of hope when they need it the most. I feel like when dealing with cancer, you always have to look at the glass half full because, to be honest, that's all we can do a lot of the time. Often times when people hear the words, ' you have cancer,' they automatically associate with a verdict for a life sentence and think that their lives are finished, but in reality there is always room to fight for it. The thing that's really interesting about medicine is that, regardless of the science associated with it, a lot of it actually has to do with the patient's spirit and will to live and while you should do everything you can for your patient medically, sometimes the best thing you can do for him or her is to express a sense of hope, and more importantly, love.

I praise God for good doctors. I praise God for Hope.

My Update

2009-11-08T23:48:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been realizing that when I talk to people, I spend a lot more time asking them questions and listening to their responses (which I enjoy listening to sooo much. I'm thankful for quality conversations and updates.) than actually saying how I am myself. I guess that's why I like blogging because I feel like this is where my voice is, at least virtually.

How are you doing Bryan?

The theme of "square-one" has been resonating strongly in my life lately as I try my best to wait patiently for God to direct me somewhere, anywhere. Maybe show me a sign or a glimpse of what I should be doing or who I should be spending more time with or something, anything. I'll be honest it's so frustrating sometimes. I wrote a blog like a month ago where I listed all the projects I was currently working on and in the end I didn't get accepted to any. I was definitely initially annoyed and deflated internally but I am grateful for those opportunities. I am grateful that God is taking control and guiding me through rejection onto the path he set before me. I am grateful that I am learning patience and trust even though it's so hard most of the time.

I have also been thinking about the phrase "learning to breathe" and all that it implies. I really like this song title and lyric because it captures this necessity for us to sometimes drop what we're doing and return back to the basics. So many times I feel like I am too caught up in progress and advancing that I lose track of my foundation. In the spiritual sense, I get too involved and saturate my schedule with anything and everything whether it's praise band at church or going to small group or meeting up with people, and in the end I let these things and events define my faith instead of the root of it all, God's grace and love for me. So lately I have been going back to the basics, or at least what I envision as "basic," and seeking to build upon that foundation of grace. I'm trying to memorize more scripture in order to just have something to meditate on throughout the day when I'm walking to and from class and I'm setting time aside to just pray because sometimes I just need time to not only talk to God but listen.

Listening has been a big thing I've been working on lately (maybe this is the reason I am compelled to write a blog on how I am doing), and I mean it in the healthiest way possible. I kind of want to become a good listener, like a pro or all-star level. As weird as that sounds, I want to better express my care for people in the form of listening to them more efficiently, especially when they need it most.

this picture reminds me of the importance of Perspective.

Thanksgiving is coming up and I have too much to be thankful for. I think that in itself is an amazing blessing.

Life Science 1 + 2 / here's to the bio nerds

2009-10-21T20:35:00.000-07:00

If you get to know me, you'll find that I am a nerd and one subject that I really enjoy learning about is biology and especially on the molecular level. Right now I am currently reviewing for my midterm tomorrow and I can gratefully say that I am easily learning the information as opposed to simply studying it. I am intrigued by the intricacies of cells and what happens to them when there is a deficit of sodium ions or what happens to lysosomes to cause Tay Sachs disease. I am constantly blown away at how every single vesicle is directed to a specific destination by a particular messenger protein on its membrane or how mitochondria are so well equipped that they can provide us energy through both aerobic and anaerobic respiration.

In the end, I think the most attractive thing about biology is that it constantly reminds me of God's glory and perfection whenever I study it. All the things that I described in the previous paragraph work in such an ideal unison and beautiful symmetry to allow us to live our lives normally everyday. God gifted us with these amazing bodies that are able to automatically utilize the nutrients that we consume into various tasks throughout the day. When I look at it I cant help but be in awe of the excellency in craftsmanship. I think the more and more I study biology, the more and more I get to see a glimpse of God's perfection and love for His creation as I begin to observe and appreciate how flawless we actually are. In His word it says that we were made in His image and I am learning to believe that more everyday as I realize that our bodies are, like God, pretty perfect.

I recently saw Louis Giglio's sermon about how great God and it was encouraging to hear us thinking the same thing about God's completely visual presence within biology and our own bodies. He used this protein as an example:

It's named "Laminin" and like any protein in our body, its specific structure is a necessity to its function. The crazy thing about this protein is that it is integral for the building of almost every tissue in the human body and holding everything together. If deficient in this single protein, we would suffer from muscular dystrophy and the improper formation of muscles and mutated growth. I think it's crazy that God planned this protein specifically to look like a cross because they both pretty much provide the same function in our lives. Without the cross present in every tissue of our body the same disastrous consequences will unfold and leave us spiritually disfigured and crippled. What a crazy reminder, even within the realm of science, of the foundation of our faith. I'm def amazed.

Patience

2009-10-13T00:40:00.000-07:00

aside: I usually don't post this often but I felt like this journal entry was an important expression of what I've been feeling and thinking about. It also had a very poetic essence to me when I re-read it today.

10/06/09:
"I realized that I hate that word [patience]. It's just so hard to remain patient in times of good or bad. It's hard to let things keep rolling instead of me taking control. It's hard for me to trust that things will work out when I'm not driving the car. I'm like a backseat driver for my life. It's hard for me to wait on you for relationships. It's hard for me to trust that something is coming when I'm ready. Only when I'm ready. I'm scared of being alone because I am so sick of it already. I hate feeling like I have to face things as a lone ranger. I have to get through life with trial and error. I've trusted myself for so long, how can I let it go now? But in the end, you want to heal me and you want to be everything for me and I want you to be everything for me too. I want you to be my everything but I just keep slipping back into sin and my own selfish desire.

I thank you for fighting for me everyday. I thank you for running after me when I deliberately choose to walk away. When will it be time? When will this road in front of me clear up? In the end, I just want to know and share your love even more so I pray that you keep molding my heart and allow me to find refuge in you alone. Thank you so much for the strength to get through school and keep doing work. Thank you for Your love and grace that you shower upon me everyday even when I don't deserve it. May You be more than enough."

Brooke Fraser - hymn

My Bryan-centric Universe

2009-10-11T20:16:00.001-07:00

Lately I've been very thankful for the opportunities I am immersed in at college. The fact that I get to apply for so many programs and places is truly unbelievable and I am humbled by God's grace once again.

Updates:
Daily Bruin - not accepted. (initially I was surprised/bummed because I sent them what I thought were some of my best writing samples but it's all good now. I get to go to activities on saturdays which I am highly thankful for)
EMRA - applying / interviewing tomorrow. (I didn't get accepted last year because I bombed my interview but I am thankful for a second chance. Hopefully they give me a chance.)
APA Health Care - applied
Ronald Reagan Volunteer - applied / excited to start and interact with patients!
Campus Movie Fest - no idea

The negative to everything I've been doing lately is that whenever I am dunked into a sea of stuff to do, I often spend too much time chasing after things and focusing solely on my goal and end destinations that I forget to appreciate everything along the way. I find myself too entranced with what I am striving for to even take time to think and care about my friends around me and I don't want that to happen now. So please keep me accountable when I begin to monologue about what I'm currently doing, what I have done, or how amazing I am and remind me that the universe is far from being Bryan-centric.

My playlist the last couple weeks:
Jon Foreman - white as snow
Coldplay - glass of water
Chris Tomlin - enough / overflow
Phil Wickham - i will wait for you there / cannons
Lifehouse - who we are
Chris Brown - forever (I think it's because of Jim and Pam's wedding.)
Regina Spektor - eet (I have been intrigued by this woman. This song's instrumental part has an amazing melody.)

My current desktop background:

Here's Regina:

The True "Love Story"

2009-09-30T17:09:00.000-07:00

If you get to know me, you'll soon find out that one girl whom I've had a significant interest in recently is Taylor Swift. I will admit, she isn't some awe inspiring singer or killer guitarist and her music isn't anything close to being noteworthy in terms of skill or intricacy, but in the end what I appreciate most about her is that she is honest and expresses her heart through genuine lyrics (discounting the fact that I cant really relate to certain songs...i.e. "Hey Stephen"). Amidst our Katy Perry and Lady Gaga mainstream music culture of purely superficial single tracks banking on some chorus that is too damn catchy (every time I hear "Paparazzi" or "Waking Up In Vegas" it gets stuck in my head), Taylor stands out as an artist who delivers something heartfelt.

But as with any growing relationship, accountability is a must and I feel like I need to call attention to Taylor's fanciful depiction of love in her single, "Love Story." I'll admit I enjoy listening to the song and I will indeed label it as 'cute,' but in the end it simply remains a fairytale. I remember one day I was standing in line at the bank and in front of me was a mother and her teenage daughter when "Love Story" started playing in the background. As it played, the daughter turned to her mother and said very emphatically, "Taylor Swift doesn't know anything about love. She makes it sound so easy in this song. What a fake." Restraining my initial response to punch her for insulting Taylor, I realized that this young teenager was actually completely correct; Taylor simplifies love to be something that is way too easy. She paints this elaborate, comfortable, eloquent, desirable image of how all the "Romeos" and "Juliets" will be chilling happily ever after while riding Gandolf's white stallion into the sunset with the recitation of a single "yes."

Sorry Taylor, but I think you're wrong. As much as I wish relationships worked out that smoothly and easily, I don't think True Love is like that at all. One thing I learned throughout the strenuous/arduous/laborious course of last year is that True Love isn't simply something that spontaneously sprouts out of mutual feelings of desire and passion but is actually one that must be cultivated through countless times of sacrifice. The amazing thing is that True Love doesn't even stop after one instance of offering, but actually desires to give up more and more each and every day. It isn't just willing to sacrifice for someone, but it desires to. In the end we have to look back to the True "Love Story" of God's love for His creation throughout all of time and realize that the Love God expresses is the ultimate definition of Truth. Though He already willingly sacrificed his son once and for all as atonement for our sins, the beauty of God's grace and love is that he still reaches out to us everyday. While our hearts strive to experience easier, more tangible stimuli that we mistakenly identify as love and end up getting hurt by, God actually opens his arms even wider so that we can return to him. While we push, kick, and shove Him away with all our sin proclaiming in arrogance that we can find something out there better than him, God still runs after us with a heart of compassion that endures it all. Some days we might declare our love for Him through worship and praise but once life begins to go astray, we easily give him the cold shoulder. But God's Love is too strong and He actually chooses to forget our past and continue to do whatever it takes to have a relationship with His creation.

In the end, God is sacrifice.
God is True Love.

It's def the glasses.

aside: I am already so busy, this year is going to be ridiculous...like this picture

My Ode to Music

2009-09-27T01:13:00.000-07:00

For some reason I feel like it's a lot harder to write blogs lately. Maybe it's because something is lingering in my brain and feasting on all my neruons and not allowing me to think of anything else, or maybe because I'm not in an "acceptable creative environment," or maybe because I'm realizing that people actually take time to read my writings (thank you so much, I appreciate it greatly) and now feel an obligation to write osmething that is nothign short of being a combination of, life changing, moving, inspiring, and entertaining. But this week in my screenwriting discussion, my TA kept stresing that a writer's best work usually comes from when he writes about what he knows and cares about so I decided to take his advice and write about one of my greatest passions.

Whenever I'm walking to class or en route anywhere, you will most likely see me listening to my beloved ipod focused entirely on the melodies it transmits. I think that God engineered me with the personality and ears to appreciate and relate to music on a very specific level. One trend by which I can describe myself is definitely my constant pursuit of balance (strictly in the internal sense because I'm not much of a surfer or ice skater...). Whether it is majoring in English while taking all these med school requirement classes or abbreviating a majority of my notes with math symbols (my favs: < / > signs, the operations: + / -, the "therefore" sign with three dots in a triangle, the greek letter delta meaning "change"), my heart always leans towards some sort of equilibrium.

The amazing thing about music to me is that it acts as the epitome of balance. At the foundation, music is completely mathematical and based on distinct patterns amongst the notes with every melody and chord structure ever imagined stemming from the octet, eight notes that make up the scale of a particular key at a particular octave. And even on the sonic plane, sound waves are ultimately sine/cosine graphs with varying amplitudes and frequencies. But the products of these integral (pun definitely intended) mathematical functions are various and unique sense of emotion. The beauty of music for me is that specific mathematical changes in graphs of various functions and sound waves have the ability to somehow resonate significant feeling within my soul.

And of course genuine and meaningful lyrics help too.

Jon Foreman: one of the most honest musicians

and I thought this picture was hilarious:

'All I Want Is...'

2009-08-28T00:49:00.000-07:00

I wrote this a while ago but it definitely has been a resounding theme throughout the last couple months.

"I find that a lot of times in life I come to God without any words to say. I come to him tired and burdened, weary and broken and on the verge of apathy. There are those times where I just lay down on my bed and let my mind drift off trying to come up with any combination of words that I can express to God in order to tell him what is on my heart and ultimately I fail to do so. His grace, however, refuses to let me fail as it grants me assistance through the Spirit. I really like the verse in Romans 8:26 that says, “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.” Like that verse says, as I lay there on my bed, I really believe that it is the Spirit that always leads me back to the simple but important bridge of the song “For This Cause” that says, “all I want is You, Jesus.”

Amidst the chaos of everyday life, God knows the magnitude of how much and how often I need to pray this prayer of redirection and refocus on the one constant, the ultimate sufficiency. I go about everyday throwing my heart at every tangible and easy route to some sort of stimulation I associate with happiness only to end up with the same emptiness and bitterness and grief. But God loves me too much to give up on my heart and brings it back to pray this prayer again and again and ask to be consumed by His presence and nothing else.

I just want more of You."

this is completely unrelated to the post...

But this is a picture from back in the day (2006 nba eastern conference finals miami heat [go dwade] vs. detroit pistons [you guys are done this season]) and it is one of my favorite pictures of all time. I freaking love it. The game, as you can probably tell, is at miami florida but that did not stop this single pistons fan, though consumed by a sea of white, to proudly cheer for his team when they scored. That's what I'm talkin' about.

I greatly admire his courage and team pride.

I Freaking Suck With Girls

2009-08-18T03:09:00.000-07:00

I tried for a very long time to think of a better, more eloquently way of saying my tragic downfall as a man for the title of this blog post but I couldn’t think of one besides the single truth: I freaking suck when it comes to interacting with girls. There is something about my brain that causes it to basically go crazy and turn into a turbo/noz/bargardi-1000-crazy-horsepower-shizzle-car quickly causing an internal meltdown that just shuts down all my common sense fluid banks and eventually depletes my entire spirit. They should just harvest this mysterious chemical from my brain and distribute it to women everywhere to use instead of mace when a sleezy guy tries to hit on them: 1. It’s a lot less deadly and will inflict a smaller number of possible casualties, 2. I’m sure it’s utterly hilarious to see the guy completely bomb his encounter with the woman. Genuine entertainment.

But one thing I’ve come to believe and cherish from this disability is that much like myself, other people deserve second chances. I am reminded of the old idiom that first impressions (well, in my case second, third, fourth, and well past my tenth impression) of a person are just “tips of the iceberg” with thousands upon thousands of gallons of frozen personality ready to thaw out at any moment under the person’s elastic skin surface. I really believe that God wired my-quirky-“acquired taste”-self like this in order to help me learn and live out what it means to not judge people based on first impression. To be honest, it freaking sucks not getting a second chance with not only girls but also more importantly, people in general. I think it ultimately returns to the beauty of God’s grace, the underlying principle of life, that though we were imperfect and completely undeserving, he gave us the concluding second chance ushering in our own salvation from our own filthy transgression. But the beauty of that grace does not end there, rather it actually allows Him to still draw us even closer to himself every single day regardless of our faults the day before. How many second chances would that make?

Speaking of girls...

those glasses look familiar...holla!

p.s. district 9 is a solid movie

I'm so tired

2009-07-18T22:49:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm being crushed by the weight of my ambition, it's a constant feeling I have to deal with much like a disease. Maybe it's the optimist inside of me, but I can't help to believe that my ever soaring ambition was given to me for a reason. Although most of the time I find myself crawling on all fours struggling to pull along all the overbearing weight of all that I've attempted to accomplish, I can't stop myself from dreaming bigger and reaching ever higher. There is a passion inside my heart for something big, but I still haven't found what I'm looking for and I don't like feeling burnt out from trying to find it

Isaiah 53

Love Isn't Always Easy

2009-05-21T16:52:00.000-07:00

"In all of our lives we have an 'Albertine,' we have a 'Rwanda"

Pondering Quotations

2009-05-17T20:26:00.000-07:00

"Your mistakes are your own unique way of getting to where you need to be."
- Conan O'Brien

"For all your sons and daughters, walking in the darkness. You are calling us to lead them back to you. We will see your spirit rising as the lost come out of hiding. And every heart will see this hope we have in you."
- Tear Down the Walls

"Take my hands and make them clean. Keep my heart in purity. That I may walk in all you have for me."
- Arms Open Wide

"You're as cute as a lumberjack holding a baby."
- Blake Brawnson (character in my story for creative writing. His son is named Samson.)

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity."
- Albert Einstein (I thought this was clever)

Time for some O-chem destruction.

Strengths and Weaknesses (2am)

2009-05-09T02:08:00.000-07:00

This week I was trying to complete the sentence, "I am good at..." and I sadly couldn't. I was disappointed but began to realize how much emphasis a lot of people, me being at the forefront, place on examining the negatives instead of the positives. I'd like to think I am a optimist in a lot of cases (also a realist), but it's ironic that I cant seem to be optimistic about myself when I'm always looking at the potential in others. All I do is picture myself as inferior in so many ways when God didn't make me like that at all.

I love how God works through people because he always seems to get me thinking through what others say. I was talking to my English TA, for example, and he was telling me about how I put too much emphasis on listing what the text doesn't do instead of what the text actually conveys. He said that if the list was based on what was absent in the text, it could possibly go on forever whereas focusing on what devices the author actually employs will lead me to a much stronger argument and a better overall paper. I thought this point really applied to what I was thinking about lately because if I only focus on what I lack, all that would happen would be (once again) falling into the giant trap of self-pity, whereas realizing my strengths and using them are what I need to do to fulfill God's purpose for me. I am reminded once again that we all have our flaws, but God blessed us with specific spiritual gifts for a reason and it is our job to use them for that purpose.

*sorry for the vagueness of this post, it was just a random blur of thoughts consolidated at 2am

these next couple weeks are going to be academically insane! Stay motivated. Work hard. Have faith.

How to be a Kumon Tutor

2009-04-30T23:47:00.000-07:00

I wrote this as an assignment for creative writing. The prompt was dealing with the "How To..." self-help books and I chose the fateful task of being a Kumon Tutor as a premise for a terrible terrible tragedy which I and my fellow employees had to endure first hand. I hope this speaks for us all...

First you need to get used to rooms with no windows that are illuminated solely by florescent lighting. You need to be comfortable with close quarter contact with your students and fellow tutors in the small square bungalow with the white plaster walls chipping apart just like the sense of pride and excitement you entered the job with. Make sure to supply your own white board markers, they won’t be provided. Bid adieu those days when you bragged about getting your first job all on your own to your parents and friends and realize that you essentially offered your happiness away to your sneaky and frightening dementor-like boss. You fell for the trap of eight dollars an hour under the table cash in compensation for your joy of living. You are in Azkaban and there’s no way out.

You need to have patience. Understand that the kids simply cannot grasp subtraction and it’s your job to deal with it. Explain to them that two minus two does not equal eight and that they cannot draw vertical lines through subtraction signs to make it an addition problem because they don’t like subtracting. Explain to them that you don’t want to be here either. You need to empathize with each other since you are both in the same frustrating and futile predicament of being forced to do something you don’t want to. When the kids slack off and choose not to do their work, you must recite one of the supposedly motivating posters on the walls. In this case the one about focus with a picture of a bald eagle soaring into the horizon and under it the saying, “If you chase two rabbits, both will escape.” Tell your students that because they aren’t able to focus on their math homework, they too like the bald eagle will die from starvation. You need to employ fear.

You will understand fear first hand from your Stalin-like boss, Mrs. Jones, examining your every move to make sure you’re performing to your fullest potential. Her eyes are like Big Brother and are constantly watching over your shoulder and examining your interaction with the kids as well as your productivity or, hopefully not, lack thereof. Get used to those eyes slowly roaming around the room from tutor to tutor as if in search for prey. Once you get caught making a mistake, Mrs. Jones will casually get up from her desk and walk over to your table trying to be as inconspicuous as possible even though her high heels hammer down on the bungalow floor beneath her with every step. She’ll greet you with a seemingly sincere smile but glare right into your soul and ask you a question that is harmless on the surface such as, “how is everything going here?” but can be translated to, “you better shape the fuck up or you’re done.” You can try to convince yourself that being fired is exactly what you want and attempt ignite a small, delicate flame of hope for escape in your heart but she can sense it and is quick to extinguish any sparks. Mrs. Jones doesn’t like employees feeling any other emotion than distress and will ask you to stay after your shift and have a one-on-one conference with her during which she will re-educate you on what it means to be an acceptable employee in her union.

even the logo is sad...

Work Ethic

2009-04-26T19:40:00.000-07:00

Treating Patients

2009-04-24T00:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't written a blog in a while or at least finished them. I have like 5 half finished ones on my computer that I will hopefully finish sometime soon.

But for now I've been thinking about what my vision of being a doctor is.

A doctor is, a middle aged, hard working, brilliant, person. He wears white: a clean, sterile, white lab coat complementing his business attire and stethoscope. He administers shots and prescribes various drugs to make us feel better. We go to him to get our physical ailments fixed.

Why do I want to become a doctor? Obviously, to help people, to make them feel better. In my mind I have this specific vision of a doctor but I don't necessarily see him doing all the clinical work. It's interesting because I see him sitting with a patient and simply talking to him, asking him how he feels, taking time to care for him as a person, making him laugh. I remember someone telling me this week that "laughter is the best medicine" and I'm starting to think that maybe it is. Maybe laughter is part of what I envision as being a doctor. Maybe making people laugh and telling feel-good stories fulfills the profession. Maybe you don't have to be able to diagnose diseases and treat people physically to help them feel better.

Only God knows where I am heading.

Mankind is No Island

2009-04-13T17:42:00.000-07:00

Sarcasm

2009-03-26T23:10:00.000-07:00

Yes! another quarter. should be fantastic.

Where am I going? What are my dreams?

Meaning

2009-02-26T10:49:00.000-08:00

"Where the Streets Have No Name' is more like the U2 of old than any of the other songs on the LP, because it's a sketch - I was just trying to sketch a location, maybe a spiritual location, maybe a romantic location.

I was trying to sketch a feeling. I often feel very claustrophobic in a city, a feeling of wanting to break out of that city and a feeling of wanting to go somewhere where the values of the city and the values of our society don't hold you down.

An interesting story that someone told me once is that in Belfast, by what street someone lives on you can tell not only their religion but tell how much money they're making - literally by which side of the road they live on, because the further up the hill the more expensive the houses become.

That said something to me, and so I started writing about a place 'where the streets have no name."

- Bono from Propaganda 5, 1987

get ready for the new U2 album everyone. it's going to be filled with something we need from music, heartfelt messages.

My Musical World

2009-02-18T20:31:00.000-08:00

I just want to lay down and listen to music all day. I wish I had that time. Actually, I wish everyone had that time to just lay down and escape the world while at the same time be able to learn so much about it in music's melodies and lyrics.
If I ever become the Chief-Executive-President-Dictator-Director-General-Fuhrer of the World, I promise to institute a day where everyone will be forced to lay down and enjoy their day being lost in song. What an awesome world that would be. (of course anything by Katy Perry or the Jonas Brothers will be deemed highly illegal on penalty of public tar and feathering.)

But for now, all I can ask for is a break. Even just a little one.

this quarter is passing by fast...it's scary.

beautiful picture

Pictures do speak a thousand words, or at least relate to lyrics

2009-02-12T23:22:00.000-08:00

First off, thank you to everyone who takes time to read this blog. it means a lot. I just hope to provide something worthwhile...

with that note, I cant seem to write any coherent posts (I have like 3 half finished ones on my hard drive) so I thought I'd just show you some lyrics and pictures associated with them that have been lingering in my mind lately (I'll prob end up adding to this):

"I still believe in summer days, the seasons always change, and life will find a way."
- Winter Song

(the numbers on top of the boys are the blocks the within a refugee camp that wall off the rest of the world to them. the crazy thing about this picture was that each box seemed to somehow really capture the boys individuality)

"In my life as I walk these streets, Love open my eyes show me what you see"
- Never Let Me Go

"Daisy give yourself away. Look about the rain, a beautiful display of power and surrender, giving us today, when she gives herself away."
- Daisy

"They say that things just cannot grow, beneath the winter snow, or so I have been told."
- Winter Song

Mark It Up/Free Fallin'

2009-01-19T14:22:00.000-08:00

This is a journal entry I wrote today regarding Mark Study.

"I felt like this weekend was important, something I needed, something I wanted. I came into this study not knowing what to expect besides the various 'Omg, it's totally awesome''s that the older folks were telling me but still believed that God knew what I needed. I feel that God has been teaching me to trust him more and truly believe in his power. Before the study I was at a state of discontent with who I was and what I was showing to people; I was fake and scared to be vulnerable and God showed me that problem through my unfruitful relationships. I lacked faith. I didn't believe and trust that god would meet me there and provide for me when I let my guard down, became vulnerable, and acted real. I am reminded of the passage with the paralytic when Jesus showed his power to overcome all and proved to the doubtful scribes His divine authority. I feel like Jesus proved his power to me also by giving me and others the courage to share and be vulnerable and take that risk trusting that He would be there. Initially my fears of being vulnerable centered around the idea that people would see me differently and judge me. And this is scary because when you're vulnerable, you are displaying your true self and if people judged that it really hurts. But I was wrong, these fears were simply invalid. God showed me that being real doesn't bring harsh judgment but actually the opposite. The courage it takes to be real and vulnerable prompts respect and ultimately more love. I feel like this is a big practical application to my life. To have enough courage and faith to be real to those around me. No more simple, coined, and almost false answers of "I'm doing alright," but more of being honest not only regarding the trials and burdens I might go through, but also the blessings and joys. I feel like God has shown me a glimpse of his power and in doing so, reminded me to trust and truly believe that He is above all things and always provides."

I tried not to choose a cliche picture to display my point but I really liked this one.
Imagine being that guy getting ready to jump off that cliff. You are filled with fear, worry, stress, but still excitement and anticipation. I thought that was a good illustration of where my heart was when taking that first step and risking the image that I falsely believed to be so important.
But it must feel really good to hit that water after the fall.

The Fear

2009-01-01T01:09:00.000-08:00

Every New Year's Eve I try to reflect back on the previous year and experience an array of emotions. I remember mostly the amazing times but still have to recognize those bad times. I laugh at the funny jokes and situations but remember those times I was distraught. I re-examine the fruitful relationships I've made and the one's I unfortunately lost. Throughout these re-experiences, although I feel different emotions for the various scenarios, one lingering feeling is Fear.

I think that NBA commercial with Kobe and Shaq's half faces explained Fear to me the best way possible. Simply put, especially regarding my last post, I'm scared for the future and what's coming up. I'm faced with a tough schedule with very little time to myself and various other obstacles and it's scary to think of these trials coming my way. It's scary to realize that it's inevitable; this time next week I am going to be overloaded with work. But I learned that with this Fear comes a sense of readiness. I think the fact that I am scared means that I realize the obstacles I must face and how much energy and will-power it's going to take to try and grasp my task at hand. I understand the hard work I must do and am thus ready to go at it and give it my all and achieve.

The first song I listened to in 2009 was "Dont Stop Believing" by Journey and I thought it was a good transition between 2008 and 2009. In 2008 this song was one of the biggest lessons I've learned about life and the need to believe in yourself and what you're doing. And now that it's 2009, it's time to continue believing and, simply, own it up.

It's the Tree of Life

winter break is over

2008-12-30T23:40:00.001-08:00

I guess I had an alright winter break. I got to see some friends and family which I am highly thankful for but it must come to an end very soon. I've been thinking about going back to LA and dreading it. I am trying to convince myself it's because of all the studying I will have to do, the ridiculous schedule I must face, the late nights I must spend doing work, but in reality it's none of that. When it comes down to it, I don't want to go back because I don't want to feel alone again.

I wonder what that man standing there is thinking

"I see a generation, rising up to take their place, with selfless faith"

2008-12-21T21:14:00.001-08:00

"The Only Baggage That You Can Bring"

2008-12-04T23:41:00.000-08:00

This is a journal entry I wrote while eating dinner today.

12/04/08
"I'll admit it's hard to feel love sometimes. It's hard to see the things, events, people, and relationships around me as examples of love. I always blamed this feeling of missing out on love on my surroundings but now realize that it really starts within me.

As much as I seem to forget this, true love doesn't come from people, it comes solely from God. I think I have this misconception that Hollywood planted in me of this "Hot Pink" love that looks so appealing and catches my eye with its glamor from far away but only becomes more and more superficial as I get closer to it. 1st John 4 says "God is Love" and I need to start believing and trusting in that. Everyday I pray to be an example of love but now I realize that in order to be an example, I first have to understand what I am trying to exemplify.

You are good and I am not."

This is one of the best ads I've seen. Go Dwade.

Thankful (Still)

2008-11-26T00:22:00.001-08:00

Today was just one of those days where things don't work out the way you'd like.

But I am glad to find myself still thankful for all the good things I've been surrounded with. As Thanksgiving approaches I thought it would be appropriate to share some things I'm grateful for.

such as...
friends,

family (left to right: shadow, dad, me, mom, sandy),

music (mayer),

being accepted and attending UCLA (go Bruins) (photo credit: josh),

beauty of nature,

for there being people who fail as much as I seem to do...,

inspiration (photo credit: maddie),

creativity,

good hugs,

perseverance (I will always support you Nash regardless of your crappy team),

admirable (and beautiful) people,

genuine joy (anchorman),

the world I will explore in the future,

and definitely, my sense of humor.

There are too many to consolidate unto one blog post so I thought I would just stop here. I hope everyone has a good Thanksgiving and takes some time throughout the day to think about all the good things we've been given.

p.s. I am also very thankful for everyone who takes time to read my (somewhat) interesting thoughts. You rock.

musical memories

2008-11-22T21:55:00.000-08:00

As I sit here frustrated at not being able to understand calculus while my damn puppy insists on gnawing on my clothes, I am thinking about how music has the ability to elicit so many memories. (not that my situation and that point correlates at all.)

Some of my memories are:
Tupac - Unconditional love = 8th grade and beginning to understand the true meaning of the saying "bros before hoes."
Augustana - Boston = desiring/contemplating the decision to go to east coast for college to start fresh and leave everything behind.
Brooke Fraser - Arithmetic = my continual longing to understand Grace.
U2 - With or Without You = James, Jeff, Andrew, Biggie
Yellowcard - any song = Caleb's obsessions with things he likes.
John Mayer - Daughters = being called "homo" for liking this song.
Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated = agreeing with my friends in eighth grade that this song was for all the weirdo emo kids and making fun of them when in reality I liked the song. (my confession.)
Jon Foreman - any song = David Kim
The Postal Service - Such Great Heights = Jeff Ahn
Justin Timberlake - Lovestoned (I think she knows) = my constant internal conflict between dancing and being too embarrassed.
Kanye West - Stronger = daft punk
Daphne Loves Derby - any song = my only sibling.
Jimi Hendrix - Purple Haze = the first song I learned on guitar.
Linkin Park - Shadow of the Day = Mike Ly
Journey - Don't Stop Believing = karaoke-ing this at prom and the strength of believing wholeheartedly in something.
50 Cent - P.I.M.P. = My life till this day. (just kidding.)
David Crowder Band - All I Can Say = Realizing that when it comes down to it, my problems and troubles are minuscule in comparison to who He is.
Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved = I just remember Jose loving this song for some reason.
The Fray - How to Save a Life = reminds me of how much I used to hate this band because of this song where I couldn't understand what the hell the main singer was singing because he slurred the hell out of the words. But now they are fine.
Colbie Caillat - Realize = me realizing that I am in love with Colbie Caillat.
Justin Timberlake - Sexy Ladies (let me talk to you) = probably the most awkward moment in my life as I was designing my pages for yearbook in the photo room alone. It was the first time I've ever heard this song because it came on randomly through shuffle and I thought it was a nice groove so the last chorus comes around and I'm there singing "I've got sexy ladies" which is already sufficiently awkward only to be complemented by my yearbook adviser Mr. Ziegler coming in right as I was singing. The look he gave me was a mixture of confusion, worry, and "wtf?"
Hillsong United - any song = Genuine encounter.
John Mayer - Gravity = reminds me of anytime I am down and maybe slowly, but definitely surely, get back up and get going again.
John Mayer - any song = the reason I love guitar and appreciate the art of song writing.

this picture rocks (even if it doesn't deal with the blog at all). but I don't support either team.

"In these deep city lights, I could get lost tonight."

2008-10-26T02:07:00.000-07:00

I am thankful to have a window in my hall that overlooks Downtown Los Angeles.

On Tuesday as I sat there enjoying the view of Downtown LA, I noticed a contrast between the image I saw and the reality of the city life. Within these deep city lights there stood violence, murder, death, homeless, depressed, and broken people, but from where I stood, I could see the overall picture and feel a surprising sense of security, peace, and tranquility. Somehow the beauty of entire city masked the filth within it.

I felt like this was an important idea in relation to life and how I need to sometimes step back and view the entire picture rather than focus on those small things that can go wrong within it. Everyday I wake up with the same general agenda of taking on what life gives me. I feel like the danger in this approach is that everyday there are events, people, and things, which I have no control of, which can easily make or break my day. Most of the time when something goes wrong that single event is all I can think about. I easily forget how miniscule this single event will seem in the grand scheme of things. I forget the faith I have in the future that everything will end up working out and things will somehow come together for a good reason and purpose. I need to remember to take a step back and view life more collectively.

I am thankful to have been reminded of this lesson a couple days before my 18th birthday because it helped my discretion when reflecting on the past year. Now that I take a step back and look over the year as a whole, I find it hard to remember many things that I wasn’t thankful for or thought were blessings. How amazing it is when looking at life in its entirety (or at least the past year) that I can truly see the beauty of how somehow things manage to come together and work out.

bumper cars - the time has come

2008-09-18T23:39:00.000-07:00

Bumper cars have to be one of the best attractions at any theme park and I love riding them every time. The joy of being able to turn in any direction and crash into everything and everyone is definitely indulging. I think the coolest thing about bumper cars is that they never get boring, in fact, they become funner as I get older. I was wondering how such a classic ride could increase in entertainment value as I aged and came to the conclusion that bumper cars become funner with age because driving bumper cars are exactly how we desire to drive our actual cars.

Every single day we are all victims of terrible driving. You're driving down hawthorne blvd at lunch time and it pretty much has the traffic of a freeway. It seems that everyone is already irritated to be driving on the street only to be even more angered by dangerous random merging as well as the incredibly slow speed of the traffic. Crawling along at 25mph, someone cuts you off causing you to brake for your life. You are infuriated, slamming your horn you throw up multiple indecent hand gestures in attempt to hide what you truly want to do, ram the hell out of that person. If only we were driving bumper cars...

I remember going to Lego Land (possibly the worst theme park of all time) when I was eleven and riding an attraction similar to bumper cars except that it required you to obey traffic rules such as stopping at red lights. By far the most boring ride in history. Lego Land sucked the fun out of driving bumper cars by making the kids follow traffic laws.

On a more sentimental note, it is time to begin the next chapter of my life and move into UCLA. How nervous/excited/scared/anxious I am to go into a new environment with new people and new routines. As I sit here overwhelmed with nostalgia, I am grateful for all the friendships I have made over these years and will miss so many people as they head off to begin their futures and pursue what they are passionate about.

Going into college I think its really important to have specific goals and plans set out beforehand so that I can maximize the opportunity I am now surrounded with. For the first (and possibly the last) time in my life I am able to literally choose to do anything I desire. How amazing. For all of us heading out, make the most of what's around you, study hard but also have a lot of fun.

"Gravity is working against me..."

2008-08-15T00:27:00.000-07:00

this is a repost of a blog post i thought was important enough for another showing

My favorite non-pop John Mayer song (basically only songs from his newest album, Continuum) is Gravity. Aside from being an avid fan of Mayer and his perfection of a Strat tone in Gravity, I find this song important because of Mayer's application of this abstract scientific principle of a force that is continuously pulling us towards the Earth's core to our everyday lives.

If plotted on a coordinate plane, life would most likely be illustrated as a roller coaster (or sine/cosine graph for the nerds) with its highest of heights and lowest of lows. Perhaps the discouraging aspect of visualizing life this way is realizing that no matter how high you might go on the scale of happiness in life, there is that inevitable downward slope, whether it be steep or gradual. This wrung of grace that you might be gladly standing on today might easily crumble into nothing tomorrow.

So why would I spend time blogging about a seemingly dreary song outlining the inevitability of Gravity weighing us down? It is because of the lyrics at the end of the song where Mayer repeats the request, "keep me where the light is." Ever since I first heard this song, I could only listen and sing along to it as a prayer asking to truly stay safely seated on the maximum vertex of life's graph.

When I enter my modes of introspection I realize every time that I spend too much time worrying about these points of life where the graph levels off near the bottom. Where it goes much below the x-axis and into the negative y-values. But through this song I am reminded that though there is that downward slope, there is also the increasing slant which I am able to enjoy and relish in soon to come.

"I've got dreams to remember"

2008-07-31T01:39:00.001-07:00

John Mayer is a profound guy. He has the ability to speak to me through his lyrics. We have a connection. I remember my first hearing of a live version of "Gravity" from Mayer's concert DVD "Where the Light is" and being blown away not by his melodic solos or perfect playing technique but by the simple tag he repeated during the song saying "I've got dreams to remember." This simple line meant so much to me as Mayer had once again somehow transformed my thoughts into words and sang them in a melody.

As I sit here and get ready for the brand new college environment, I feel nervous and excited to embark on this adventure taking me all the way from learning in an academic classroom to experiencing "real life" scenarios in various occupations while having the ability to meet new people with diverse and unique personalities along the way. With all these changes of characters and settings heading my way, I am beginning to realize how important dreams are. I think that dreams are important because they remain constant even though everything around you might change. They are the definition of who you are and the image of who you want to become.

My dream is to become a writer for The Office. As ridiculous/big/interesting/cool that dream may sound, I am thankful that I have it and acknowledge it as something important. After reading Death of a Salesman in school, I became discouraged and terrified of becoming another Willy, stuck in a job that I was unfit for. I think that being firmly grounded in my dreams is my safety from that type of unfulfilling future. Especially as I enter college, there are so many opportunities in college that I hope to take advantage of in order to ultimately and hopefully become a writer for The Office or achieve another dream that might come up along the way.

strawberry swing